


Evolving Toward Forever

by Elise_Madrid



Series: Evolving [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-22
Updated: 2011-05-22
Packaged: 2017-10-19 16:41:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things are inevitable though the path can often be a rocky one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evolving Toward Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published 2002 in First Time #55.

Pon farr. What a dirty trick Nature had played on his friend. It had been a rough day and Kirk should have been able to sleep. But the events on Vulcan kept running through his mind, his thoughts bouncing between elation at the outcome and fear of what still might come. Was it over? Was Spock okay? He couldn’t stop thinking about it, wondering how long he would have his friend at his side. He needed the solace of touch, Spock’s assurance that their lives could go on as they had. Decision made, he got up, threw on his robe and proceeded through their shared bathroom to Spock’s cabin.

“Spock?” He rapped softly on the door. He hoped Spock was awake, but given the way he felt, he wasn’t going to let a little thing like a sleeping Vulcan stop him. “Spock. Let me in. I need to talk to you.”

The door slid silently open to a darkness only relieved by the flickering light of the meditation statue. As Kirk entered, Spock reached for the robe draped across the foot of the bed and slipped it on as the human walked over. “Is there something amiss, Captain?”

Kirk reached the side of the bed and, after a moment’s hesitation, sat down. He drew one leg up, tucking it under himself, keeping one foot on the floor. “I couldn’t sleep...I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No. We seem to be having the same difficulty. May I be of some assistance?”

He reached for the Vulcan’s hand, relieved when Spock seemed disinclined to pull away. He held it in his, squeezing and then just lightly holding on. “I needed to know you were all right.”

“You were aware of my status.”

“I don’t mean like that. Spock...” He wasn’t sure how to go about asking what he needed to know, and finally just blurted it out. “Is it over?”

The Vulcan mask slipped into place as Spock started to withdraw, attempting to disengage his hand from his captain’s grasp.

“No, don’t. Please, don’t lock me out.”

“Why are you asking me this? Is there something you fear?” He would not look at Kirk, keeping his eyes lowered and his head turned away.

“The only thing I fear is losing you.” He tightened his grip on Spock’s hand. “I need to know. Is it over?”

“Jim, I do not know.” He sighed. “I am not aware of any...inbalances within my body. How long before it returns, that I cannot say.”

“If it does come back, will you tell me?”

Spock turned and looked into Kirk’s eyes, seeing only concern and affection. “Yes. It was an error on my part to have not done so the first time.”

Kirk smiled, relief washing over him. “Good. I need to know that my science officer, that my friend, is going to be here for me. You gave us quite a scare.”

“That was not my intent. Please understand, Jim. It is such a personal thing. I did not understand that, as in all things, we are better able to overcome such difficulties when we are united in our endeavor.”

“Don’t you forget it, science officer. Well, now that we’ve got that all cleared up, I think I can sleep. It is cleared up, right?”

“Yes.”

Kirk stood, slowly releasing Spock’s hand. “I’ll see you in the morning, at breakfast?”

“I shall be there.”

“All right. Well, goodnight, Spock.” He retraced his steps to the bathroom, on his way back to his own cabin. At the doorway, he stopped and turned. “Spock?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I...I’m glad you’re okay.” He smiled softly and returned to his own room, now sure of a good night’s sleep.

The door closed, blocking the sight of his friend. Removing his robe, Spock lay back down, his own concerns also put to rest. Jim was alive and well, and almost, almost as important, they were still friends. He had feared Kirk would turn from him, withdrawing from Spock’s life. He took his relief that he still had a place at the human’s side, into his slumber.

^^^^^

Months later, Kirk would remember their conversation and his own relief. Strange how he could have forgotten that there were unnumbered ways he could lose his friend.

You thought he was dead. Just for a moment, you thought he was dead. And just for a moment, your world went gray. “Spock?”

Spock looked up from the chessboard. “Yes, Jim?”

“Did you think you’d make it back?” Kirk picked up one of the pieces he had captured, absently toying with it, though his gaze remained locked on his friend.

The Vulcan was still, but for the tilting of his head. “I do not believe I consciously gave it any thought. Is there a reason for your inquiry?”

“Maybe. I don’t know, I guess I’m trying to come to grips with what happened. I don’t like to think about losing you.” The human lowered his head. As close as he and Spock were, intense emotions still had a way of upsetting the balance of their relationship. He still wasn’t sure where that came from, or from who. The low light in Kirk’s office hid the slight blush he couldn’t control.

Spock gave an almost smile. “We are very much a part of each others’ life. I, too, would be greatly disturbed at the thought of losing you.”

Kirk looked up and grinned, caught between surprise and pleasure. “I’m glad you feel the same way. Sorry, wrong choice of words.” he teased.

“Jim, may I ask you something? It is quite personal, so if you would rather I not...”

“What it is? I don’t think there’s much I couldn’t tell you.” He leaned back, balancing his chair on its back legs.

“Do you not wonder at our relationship?”

“What do you mean, ‘wonder at our relationship?’ We’re friends, good friends. Hell, best friends. What’s to wonder?”

“Today, I could have died. In all probability I would have if the shuttle had not been held by the tractor beam when the explosion destroyed the organism.” He would have been vaporized right along with the huge amoeba-like creature whose path they had stumbled across. “We are aware of the inherent dangers of our profession, have each seen the other near death, yet we continue to draw closer to each other. Logic would argue the reverse.”

Kirk laughed, wearily. “You’d think, wouldn’t you? But I think...I think what we have, what we feel for one another, it goes way beyond logic. When I was a kid, I had lots of friends. School, sports, the kids who lived on the neighboring farms. Today, I couldn’t tell you where any of them are. I don’t even know if they’re alive or not.” He studied the Vulcan. Alien. From another planet. But he had never felt that anyone knew him as well. “If I think about my life ten, twenty, even thirty years from now, you’re still there. I couldn’t let you out of my life even if I wanted to. Does that make sense to you?”

“Yes, I believe I understand. Even realizing that death could part us, that our future is set only for the next three years, even so, we imagine our lives forever along the same path.”

Kirk cleared his throat, blinking to clear suddenly moist eyes. “Damn. Here I was afraid this conversation was getting to emotional for _you_. You surprise the hell out of me, sometimes.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, humor evident in the warm brown eyes. “It is my duty and pleasure to see to your physical and emotional well being. I will endeavor to always do so.” He picked up his rook from the upper level of the board, placing it directly below. “Checkmate.”

^^^^^

They had both come to accept the fact that starship duty was inherently dangerous. That danger could come from within, from the very institution they served, had never occurred to either of them.

M5. If he never heard that 'name' again, it would be too soon. Kirk glanced over at his friend as they walked through the busy starbase. People flowed around them, and every so often a familiar face would pass, a reminder of the microcosm of Starfleet. The inquiry into what was starting to be called "Daystom’s Debacle” was finally over, and they had three days to fill until the Enterprise returned for them. Tired of the crowds, the whispers and stares, he had talked Spock into visiting the wilderness area of the planet.

“You still all right with this?” His friend hadn’t seemed too thrilled with his choice, and he felt a little guilty at the tactics he had used to get his own way.

“Yes, Jim. I have agreed to this camping expedition...though under duress.” Spock gave him a reproachful look. “Nevertheless, I did not think you would stoop to the use of bribery.”

“It’s not bribery.” Kirk shot back, defensively. “Can I help it if you wanted me to go with you to a concert? I just thought it was a fair trade.” Except that they’d be camping for three days. The concert had only lasted two hours. “Besides, a little time away will be nice. We haven’t been able to spend very much time together, lately.”

“Where, exactly, are we going? I will need to prepare...”

“I don’t know...exactly. The guy I talked to said we could just look around until we found the spot we liked. Then we just call them up and they transport the stuff we need. Simple.”

“You have dealt with this company before?” Spock asked, cautiously.

“No, but I checked them out. Don’t worry, Spock.” Kirk grinned up at him. “Trust me.”

^^^^^

Kirk woke to find himself alone in the tent. What time was it, anyway? Light was just beginning to filter in, the birds of the planet rousing him with their song. He got up, dressed, and stepped outside. It really was beautiful here, the towering trees surrounding them creating an Arcadian vista. He set up the portastove and started some coffee. Its rich aroma filled the campsite, the smell somehow adding to his sense of well-being as he went about his morning routine. He figured Spock was off meditating somewhere, so he got a fire going for his return. As if the thought had been given life, Spock walked out of the forest, bundled up in coat and scarf. “A little cold?” Kirk teased, gently.

Spock gave him a long suffering look as he walked over to warm himself in front of the fire. He squatted down, getting as close as he could. “It is ten degrees above freezing. I am more than a ‘little’ cold.”

“Coffee will be ready soon. Don’t give me that look, it’ll help warm you up.” He came up behind the Vulcan, and kneeling down, started rubbing his gloved hands over his friend’s arms. “This should help.” The quiet was soothing, and for long minutes the only sound was the rasp of cloth against cloth. “You could have meditated in the tent, you know. I’ll be quiet if you want to from now on. I promise.”

Spock turned to look at him. “It will not disturb you?”

“Of course not. Why would it? Hell, I’d probably sleep better knowing you’re not off getting into trouble.”

A raised eyebrow was the Vulcan’s only response.

Kirk’s laughter rang through the clearing. “Come on, let’s make breakfast.”

Between the two of them, they managed to prepare a passable fare, years of working in tandem obvious in the way their motions complimented each other, each doing their part in an unspoken synchronization. Afterwards, doing anything that required the use of energy seemed beyond either, the tensions of the last days having taken more out of them then they would have admitted to. With the temperature reaching a comfortable level, Kirk laid out a large blanket near a stand of trees. He plopped himself down, gesturing for the Vulcan to join him.

“You might as well sit down, Spock. I’m not moving from here for at least a day.” Kirk lay down and clasp his hands behind his head as a pillow.

Following suit, Spock sat and propped himself up against a nearby tree, its bark rough against his back. In this way, they passed the quiet of the morning, Spock perusing the latest science journal he had brought along, while next to him Kirk stretched out on the blanket, taking in the now warming sun.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?” The Vulcan put down his book, giving him an almost fond look. Kirk had kicked off his shoes and was lying on his stomach, his head resting in his arms.

“On the bridge...what you said. How did you know?”

“I recall my words to you, but I am not sure I understand what it is you are asking.” Spock answered, a slight frown on his face.

Kirk propped himself up on his elbows. “How did you know to say exactly what I needed to hear?”

“I simply told the truth.”

“Your truth. Not everyone else’s.” Not those who had thought him washed up, a 'dunsel.' Spock's declaration of loyalty, and his insistence that Kirk could not be replaced, had helped get him through the whole ugly mess.

“I can only understand such things though my own experiences. Jim, you are not still bothered by Commodore Wesley’s remark?”

Kirk fidgeted slightly. “Yeah, I guess...a little. Hell, a lot. But not for the reason you might think. I trust your judgment, Spock. And, when it comes right down to it, I trust my own. What bothers me is how fast the way people see you can change. It really brought home how vulnerable we all are. I’ve known Bob Wesley for years, but his perception of me changed in a matter of hours.”

“The man is an imbecile.”

“Spock!” Kirk almost laughed in utter surprise and delight at Spock’s exaggeration.

“Anyone who could state, however indirectly, that you could ever be useless does not know what he is talking about.” The Vulcan stated, adamantly.

Kirk sat up, swinging around to sit next to his friend. “You are an absolute delight, did you know that?” The light punch he delivered to Spock’s ribs and the response of a raised eyebrow brought laughter. God, he loved this man.

^^^^^

Spock remembered the warmth and companionship of those few days, hanging on to them as a life line over the agonizing weeks of Kirk’s disappearance. It had been upon them so soon, and what should have been a fairly routine affair had degenerated into a time of desperate measures and the unthinkable reality of losing what he held most dear. When it was finally over, the Vulcan was still unsure if his friend had truly been returned to him, or if the events of the last months still held unseen consequences.

 

“Jim?” Spock peered into the dark of the Observation Deck. He could barely see the man sitting near the front of the room, backlit by the passing stars. He walked over, placing a hand on the hunched shoulders. “Jim?”

“Sit down, Spock.” Kirk shuddered and pulled his arms about himself. McCoy had just released him from sickbay and Spock had known exactly where to find him.

“Are you all right?” Spock sat close to the distressed human, his hand still on Kirk’s shoulder. “If there is anything you wish to speak of...”

Kirk turned and gazed at his friend, radiating sorrow and regret. “It’s so good to be home,” he dropped his head back down, “and I feel so guilty about that. If she had lived...”

Spock remained quiet, unsure of Kirk’s reaction. Finally, knowing that his friend needed help in overcoming this, he answered. “It is not logical to feel pain for what might have been. You loved her...and now she is gone. To wonder what you would have done if circumstances were different...Jim, do not do this to yourself.”

“I can’t help it. When you and I melded everything came rushing back. At first, I tried fighting it. I’m not even sure why. But then I realized what had been missing all that time and I grabbed for you, for your mind.” He brought his head up, all his concern now for his friend. “Did I hurt you?”

The Vulcan gave Kirk’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze and then let go, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands brought up to their habitual position, fingers steepled. “No, there was no discomfort, but it was necessary for me to break the meld before our minds became too intertwined.” It had been very difficult. Kirk’s mind called to his in a way that no other ever had.

“Yes, I saw that too. But that’s what I mean, Spock. I was supposed to be in love with her, yet the minute my life was handed back to me, I grabbed for it with both hands. I missed you. I didn’t even remember you, but I missed you all the same. From that point on, Miramanee became secondary. She was my wife, pregnant with my child. Yet, mainly what I feel now is relief. What does that say about me?”

“That you are human. That the life you spent years building is important to you. There is no shame in that, Jim.” He hesitated only a moment before turning and pulling the smaller man into his arms. “Let it go, t’hy’la.”

Kirk began to pull away, but then, seeming to rethink his actions, allowed himself to surrender to it. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I need something to hold on to right now.” His voice caught and he pulled himself closer to his friend, wrapping his arms around the Vulcan’s waist.

“I will always be here for you. Do you not know that by now?” There was gentle humor in Spock’s voice.

Kirk’s voice came out muffled, his head pressed against the Vulcan’s chest. “I know. That’s about the only thing I am sure of.”

Spock continued to hold the human, gently soothing his hand through Kirk’s hair, feeling their thoughts almost touch. Though he would never admit it out loud, he needed this just as badly as his friend. Only now was he able to let go of the fear that had held him all those long months. The link he had known was forming between them had let him know that Kirk was alive, but little else. It had been small comfort. He could feel it now, a small, warm flame that illuminated his life. After a time, he looked down to discover the human sleeping peacefully. In a few minutes he would wake him and escort him to his cabin. There, he would make sure that Kirk rested. In a few minutes.

^^^^^

Spock's mental link to Kirk became the most important thing in his life. As time went by, he came to rely on it, nurturing it as the manifestation of his and Kirk’s closeness. If it occurred to him at all to wonder at its growing strength, he resolutely pushed it to the back of his mind. One did not question the gifts fortune provided.

“You are closer to the captain than anyone in the universe. You know his thoughts. What does your telepathic mind tell you, now?” The small woman standing before him demanded to be recognized. His friend had been acting oddly, but Spock was still not ready to believe the story he had just been told. The idea that his t’hy’la was trapped within the body of the female bordered on the ludicrous.

Unfortunately, there was only one way to know for sure, so bowing to the logic of her request, he placed his hand on the upturned face. The tightening of his body was the only betrayal of his stunned amazement as he felt his mind spiral down and merge with the one before him.

 _Spock, I'm here. You can see that now, can’t you?_ Kirk’s mind rushed toward him, relief and gratitude easy to read, overshadowing the nebulous emotions hidden beneath.

The Vulcan watched in astonishment as their minds flowed together, becoming one. He felt Kirk’s happiness, his contentment within their joining. Their minds continued to coalesce, intertwining their souls in a dance of mutual affection. And suddenly Spock knew, that what they were here within their minds, was more than he could ever have dreamed, the intangible reality of his unspoken need.

 _Jim, I must break the meld._

 _I know, but it’s so beautiful. It's never been like this before. Promise me, we’ll come back._

 _If that is what you desire, I promise._

Spock pulled slowly back, unsheathing his mind from the perfect fit of his friend’s. He had never wanted to remain within as badly as he did now, but there was much to be done and much to be considered.

“I believe you.”

^^^^^

It felt so good to back in his own body. Kirk stretched out on the bed, reveling in the feel of strength and agility that he had feared gone forever. Janice Lester’s body had been small, female and out of shape. Those two days in her body had been a waking nightmare. Uncoordinated, his mind at odds with the body that housed it, he had studiously avoided looking at himself. Showering had become a ritual in denial. Hating to touch himself, he had cringed at the feel of softness under his hands, the weakly muscled contours of his body. He had needed Spock’s protection in more ways than one. Spock. Gods, he couldn’t imagine where he’d be if not for his friend. No one would have believed him. Why would they? He had sounded like a frustrated woman, trying to make trouble for her ex-lover. But Spock, Spock had been there as he always was, as he always would be.

Kirk looked inward, toward the shimmering filament that connected him to the Vulcan. They were both surprised at the strength of it, this thread that would forever bind them together. He smiled to himself. It felt so good, so right. And knowing that its existence had been the only reason he had been able to break the transference. Suddenly, he didn’t want to wait until morning to talk to Spock. He got up, throwing on a t-shirt and jeans and making his way through the connecting bathroom to the next cabin. The door opened before he was halfway through. He came into the darkened room and without hesitation, moved to the bed where Spock sat quietly, as if waiting for him.

“You knew I was coming, didn’t you?” Kirk sat next to the Vulcan, leaning back against the pillows Spock had placed for him.

“I knew you would want to discuss our...situation.”

“You act like it’s a bad thing, something I’d want to get rid of. I don’t.” Kirk turned so that he could better see his friend’s reactions, and took Spock’s hand in his. “It saved me. If for no other reason, I could never feel anything but gratitude for its existence. But even more, god, it’s brought us so much closer.”

The Vulcan returned the pressure of the hand holding his, his gaze locked on the entwined fingers. “That is the problem, Jim. It could bring us closer than you could ever imagine, than you could ever desire.”

“Because of pon farr?” Kirk smiled gently at the shock he could feel radiating from his friend. Shock...and fear. “Don’t you think I know what’s going on? What’s happening to us? I do. A bond is being created, a mental bond. One that will draw you to me the next time. Right?”

Spock refused to look up, regret and sorrow warring with the joy and love. “It could destroy both of us.”

“Why? Because we would have to have sex with each other? Would it be that bad?”

“You have never had sexual intercourse with another man. Nor have I. Could we continue working side by side, knowing what lay in store?” He finally looked up, staring into the hazel eyes of his beloved friend. “ I would take you, use you in a violent and demeaning way.”

“I’m not going to say that I’m not a little afraid of that. I...you’re right, I’ve never been with another man, never wanted to. But what happens if we don’t, if we let this thing die?”

“I do not know. We would never be able to meld again, of that I am certain. Other than that, I do not know. I only know that what we shared...Jim, I have never felt that before.”

Kirk tightened his grip on the Vulcan’s hand. “When it happened, when our minds just seemed to latch on to each other, god, it was the most glorious and...words just aren’t enough to describe it. I don’t know if I could go the rest of my life never feeling that again.” He surprised himself by bringing his other hand up and running his fingers through the soft hair of Spock’s bangs. “Listen, this isn’t something we have to decide tonight, is it? Let’s give it a while. Maybe there’s another alternative we haven’t thought of.”

Spock smiled, a slight curving of lips as he looked at his t’hy’la. “You are right. It will do neither of us any harm to wait, at least a little while.”

“Whatever happens, I want you to know that if it comes to it, if you need someone for...for your time...”

“Jim...”

“No, hear me out. This is too important, you’re to important to leave this to chance. I don’t want you doing anything to jeopardize yourself because you think you’re saving me from,” he took a deep breath. “from being hurt. Because it would hurt so much more if I lost you.” Kirk looked up, his eyes wide with the intensity of his determination to get his way in this. “Promise me you’ll come to me. Promise me, Spock.”

Spock did not answer at first. Finally, as if coming to a decision he nodded, answering in a low voice. “I do not wish to put you through what must be. But...I promise.”

Kirk relaxed as relief washed over him. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

After Kirk left, Spock continued to analyze their situation. His friend’s reaction had been surprising. His total acceptance of their link, and what it could become, warmed the Vulcan’s soul, though truly, he should have known. Kirk was everything good that a human could be. That he could become joined to such a one for all time...he shook his head, astonished at the path his mind was taking. That they were even thinking of completing the bond, created a wave of terror and ecstasy difficult to control. It had taken much to hold back when they had touched. The bond cried out for the completion it knew resided in his friend. Getting up, he walked over and knelt before the fire shrine. He took himself down into the deeper levels of meditation, away from temptation, away from Jim.

^^^^^

“Morning, everyone.” Kirk strolled out of the turbolift and took the center seat, looking around as everyone set themselves up at their stations. Chekov was sitting at Spock's station as the Vulcan was spending the day in the lab, attempting to catch up on the time he had lost while his captain had been "indisposed." There was much to be done before they made their postponed rendezvous with the Potemkin. Kirk’s own work kept him busy for most of the morning and it was only the vague on-and-off feeling, the not quite rightness, that marred his first day back on duty.

“Bridge, this is McCoy. Is the captain there?” The doctor’s voice came over the intercom and Kirk hit the button on the chair console.

“I’m here, Bones. What’s on your mind?”

“Think you could get down here sometime today? There’s a few things we still need to go over.”

Kirk glanced at the chronometer. “I’m meeting Spock in his lab for lunch in ten minutes. I can go by afterwards unless you want to meet us there.”

“No, I’ve got too much going on here right now. Just stop by when you’re done. In fact, why don’t you both stop by. I think he needs to be in on this, too.”

“I don’t think it’ll be a problem. We’ll be there in about an hour. Kirk out.” Kirk frowned. He had a pretty good idea McCoy wanted to discuss Janice Lester. They were taking her to Starbase Two, where she would undoubtedly be incarcerated or committed. He really didn’t want to talk about it...or think about it, for that matter. His feelings for her were all mixed up. He felt sorry for her and the pathetic mess she had made of her life, but he couldn’t deny the feelings of anger and soul deep antipathy. He couldn’t help it. He’d never forget what she had put him through. He pushed away all thoughts of the woman as he got up and left the bridge, turning the com over to Sulu.

His mood began to lift as he neared the science labs, the vague disquiet he had felt all morning gone. He grinned as he realized that he knew exactly where Spock was. He entered the Vulcan’s office, walking up to his friend. “See anything interesting?”

The science officer was bent over a viewscreen, totally engrossed by the slide illuminated below. “It is a fascinating specimen we acquired on the last planet survey. If you will wait, I will be another two minutes.”

Kirk laughed as he took a stool next to Spock. “Two minutes, huh? Oh, before I forget, we’re supposed to go by sickbay after we eat. McCoy wants to discuss something with us.”

Spock continued his observations for another two minutes exactly before looking up to reply. “Will you have a problem seeing her again?”

Kirk shrugged his shoulders. And if he was surprised that Spock knew what he was thinking, it didn't show. “Probably, but there’s not much I can do about it. She’ll be on the ship for another four days.”

“There is no need for you to have contact with her. I do not understand the doctor’s desire for your involvement.”

The arrival of Kirk’s yeoman with their lunch shelved their conversation while the young woman set up their places on the table Spock kept clear. Kirk watched her leave and then hit the switch that locked the door. Unconsciously lowering his voice, he leaned forward. “I haven’t really been thinking about Janice much. Spock, should I be feeling what I’m feeling?”

Spock’s brow rose. “And what precisely are you feeling, Captain?”

Kirk waved his hand airily in front of his face. “I’m not sure. Like I’m alone when I’m away from you. I can’t explain it any better.”

The Vulcan paled slightly. “It is the bond seeking completion. Perhaps we should avoid contact with each other until...”

“Avoid contact? How the hell are we supposed to do that? In case you've forgotten, you're my first officer, who I just happen to spend my entire shift with. You also happen to be my best friend. Spock, I don’t want us to have to avoid each other.”

Spock nodded. “It would seem that we are being forced to make a decision before we are truly prepared to.”

“Quit making it sound worse than it is.”

“You are being overly optimistic."

"No, you're being overly pessimistic. The human smiled. "Come on. Let’s just eat and then we’ll go. I probably won’t have an appetite afterwards.”

^^^^^

“I’ve had to keep her heavily sedated. If I don’t, she’s uncontrollable.” McCoy had secluded Lester in a back room of sickbay, as far from the curious as possible. She was strapped to the bed, her half closed eyes glazed over.

“Can she be kept like this, all the time?” Kirk didn’t like being here. It brought back too clearly the horror of being locked in that body. McCoy’s report on her emotional state had only reinforced how lucky he had truly been to escape unscathed.

“I’d like to wean her off of it if at all possible. Too much of this stuff can be dangerous. She should be coming out of it soon. If you can talk to her then...” McCoy watched Kirk watch Lester. "I hate doing this to you, Jim. But if anyone can get through to her, you can."

“I guess I don’t have much choice, then. You really think my talking to her will help?”

“If anything can. Jim, she’s carrying a lot of baggage around, most of which involves you. Why don’t you wait here for a little while. See what happens. I’ve got some tests to go over, but I’ll be right outside the door. You coming, Spock?” McCoy asked, expectantly.

“I will be out shortly, Doctor. There is something I wish to discuss with the captain.”

McCoy left and Spock turned his attention to Kirk. “Will you be all right, Jim?”

He didn’t take his eyes off the sleeping figure. “Yeah. She can’t do much to me now. You go ahead.”

“Will you be returning to the bridge?”

“Yes.” Kirk finally turned to his friend. “Don’t worry, Spock. I’m okay, really. I’ll only be a little while.”

Spock hesitated for a moment and then with a nod of his head, left the room. When Kirk turned back around, it was to a fully aware Lester. She smiled that cat-smile of hers, looking to the closed door. “You’ve changed more than I thought.”

“Everyone changes. You changed.” He tried to keep his voice level, aware of how easy it would be for things to degenerate between them.

She laughed lightly. “Not that much. You just never bothered to really get to know me. Of course, being a woman, you probably figured I wasn’t worth the effort. Isn’t that how all your affairs go?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I knew you well enough. Anything after that really isn’t the point, is it?”

“No, you didn’t. I’ll bet you know that Vulcan better than you ever knew me.” She gave Kirk a penetrating look. “That Vulcan. He seems to take good care of you.”

“He’s my friend.”

“Yes, I saw that. But Mitchell was your friend, too. You never acted that way with him...or with me. The look you gave him right now. I don’t remember you ever looking at me that way.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. How am I supposed to look at him?”

“Not like that. Like you’re eating him with your eyes.” She laughed, derisively. “What’s the matter, Jim? Did you decide that women weren’t good enough for you? Vulcans are supposed to be a lot stronger than humans. Is that what you finally decided you need? Someone who can take what they want from you? I never imagined you were the type to spread your legs for another man.”

Kirk tensed in surprise, moving away and standing with his back to her. “It’s not like that. Besides, why are we talking about Spock? I thought you’d want to talk about us.”

“Us? What ‘us’? You never loved me. I knew it even then. Whatever you were looking for, I wasn’t it. You just didn’t have the guts to be honest with me.”

He spun around, fighting his anger. “What do you want from me? An apology? All right, I apologize. Sorry, Janice. Sorry for not loving you more than myself. Sorry for not wanting to give up my life for you. Sorry for...”

“Sorry for getting everything I ever wanted?” She sneered at him, her controls scattering. “It was so easy for you. Everything. Women, Starfleet, this ship. Whatever James Kirk wanted, he got. Nothing was too hard for the golden boy of Starfleet. Just once, I’d like to see you run across something you can’t handle, something that pulls the ground out from beneath your feet. Then you’d know what it’s like to be the one controlled, the one without power.” She eyed him, speculatively. “Perhaps you already do. Does that Vulcan take what he wants? Is that it? Are you his plaything?” Her laugher echoed through the room, rising as her hysteria grew. “Jim Kirk, whore for his Vulcan first officer. No wonder I never stood a chance. I didn’t have the right equipment.” Her eyes gleamed as she relaxed back onto the bed, her mood shifting wildly. “I did for awhile though, didn’t I? I liked the feel of it, so hard. So very hard. Especially when I touched it, played with it. It was so easy to get off, to squeeze and pull until I came and came...”

He backed away , abhorred at the thought of what this woman had done to him, to his body. Nausea threatened as he listened, his presence forgotten as she lost herself in her erotic memories of the domination of his body. He turned and fumbled for the lock, finally making his way out of the room.

McCoy looked up as Kirk stumbled out. “Jim, you all right?” He got up, grabbing the man and leading him to a chair nearby. Once Kirk was seated, the doctor retrieved a glass and a bottle from his desk. “Here, drink this.” He poured out a hefty amount, pushing it toward the shaken man.

He downed it all at once, wiping his mouth with a slightly trembling hand. “I never knew. God, I never knew.”

“What? What didn’t you know?”

Kirk straightened. “That she’s crazy. That she probably has been for a very long time.”

“Perhaps. It’s hard to say what makes a person into what they are. Her problems are deep and there’s probably a whole lot of reasons for them. Hopefully, she'll be able to get help.”

“Yes.” His face hardened, the muscles of his jaw tight. “I’ve got to get back to the bridge. Sorry, Bones, I probably just made things worse. At least up there, I can do some good.” He walked out of sickbay. The aloneness was back.

^^^^^

He pushed the woman to the back of his mind, using duty as a shield against the pain and anger he felt whenever he thought of her. It helped, and things got better as the day progressed. After dinner, he and Spock retired to Spock’s cabin. Kirk was beginning to feel ‘at home’ in the red-draped, incense-filled room. They started a chess game, but abandoned it when Spock noticed his distraction. He steered his captain over to the bed, both kicking off their boots. Kirk sat on the edge, Spock kneeling behind him massaging his captain’s neck and shoulders.

“You are very tense.”

“Hmm, but this is really helping.” He had thrown off his shirt and the hot Vulcan hands were working their magic on his flesh. He kept his eyes closed as he relaxed into the massage. He smiled to himself. One of the perks of their deepening friendship had been Spock’s willingness to touch him so intimately. He had taken full advantage of it, the massages becoming almost a daily ritual.

“You have not yet told me what transpired between you and Miss Lester.”

Kirk flinched, the remembered scene like an open wound. “Not much to tell. She hates me, she thinks I stole her chance at getting a starship. Oh, and she seems to think there’s something going on between us.”

“There is.” Spock rested his hands for a moment, leaning around to watch Kirk’s face.

“Yeah, but that’s not what she meant. She thinks we’re lovers.” Kirk opened his eyes. “I guess we are in a way, aren’t we?” Spock brought his hands down, coming around to sit next to his captain. Kirk eyed his friend, aware of the other’s troubled thoughts. “Does it bother you so much?”

The Vulcan looked up, watching him intently. “It does not ‘bother’ me. But I am not without reservations regarding the deepening of the link. What would happen during my next time, would not make us ‘lovers.’”

“That’s not what I meant.” He hesitated, not sure how to explain himself. “I meant that we love each other. That we’re...joined.”

Spock thought for a moment before replying. “I could never but rejoice at the closeness between us. You have come to mean a great deal to me, and what is growing between us is the fulfillment of my deepest needs and desires. But I will not buy my happiness at the cost of yours. It would be distressing to cause you pain, in any way, or to lose your trust and friendship. But circumstances change. And that is the crux of the matter. If we bond, there can be no unjoining.”

“I know that. I don’t see it as a problem, though. Spock, what is it you’re afraid of?” Kirk gently laid his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“At one time, you were ‘joined’ to Miss Lester. That your feelings for her have changed is obvious. How can you know that yours for me will remain constant?” He shook his head, stopping Kirk’s automatic interruption. “I know that she is an extreme case, but Jim, what if circumstances became that you would desire a dissolution of the bond? It would be impossible. You would grow to resent my place in your life. And if you desired to marry, how would your wife-to-be react to the knowledge that her husband was forever bound to someone else? To another man?”

Kirk sighed softly. “You’ve really thought it out, haven’t you? Maybe you’re right, but I don’t think so. You mean so much to me, more than anyone else ever has. I can’t see that changing for anyone. And if someday I do want to marry, well, she’s just going to have to understand, because whether we’re bonded or not, you’re still going to be a very important part of my like. Any woman who couldn’t deal with that, I probably shouldn’t be involved with, anyway. Besides, wouldn’t that be bigamy? Isn’t a bond like a marriage?”

“In a sense, though it is not preclusive of a regular marriage, at least, not on Vulcan. In ancient times, many Vulcan males had a t’hy’la and a wife, with bonds to both. Though our bond seems to be of the type that, when complete, would prevent my bonding with any other, you would still be capable of marriage if you wished.”

“I really don’t see any sense in worrying about something that might never happen. Right now, getting involved with another woman is the farthest thing from my mind.” He squeezed his friend’s shoulder, trying to convey his affection. “I know what I feel for you, Spock. And I know it’s never going to change. Obviously, our minds know it too, or this never would have happened in the first place. It doesn’t make sense to pretend that what we have, what we feel for each other isn’t desirable, that it hasn’t enhanced both our lives.”

Spock looked at him for another few moments. His acceptance of Kirk’s arguments showed in the relaxing of his body and the smile that played across his face. “Your logic is undeniable.”

Kirk laughed softly. “That’s right, Science Officer. Now finish the back rub.” He grabbed Spock’s arm, pulling him back to the center of the bed.

Spock turned and using his Vulcan strength, pushed Kirk down until he was lying face down on the bed. “This position will be more advantageous.” He began once again to knead at the muscles, soothing the stress and unhappiness out of the beloved human.

“You’re so good to me.” Kirk’s voice was muffled by the pillow he had pulled against his chest. He lay still, enjoying the feel of hot Vulcan hands on his body, Spock’s scent from the pillow filling his nostrils. Eventually, his breathing evened out as sleep overtook him.

Spock continued, his hands lightly kneading the body beneath him. When he was sure Kirk was asleep he lay down next to him, gently pulling the human on his side and settling himself against his back, spoon fashion. He pulled the sheet up, covering them and then waved the lights down. Within minutes, he slept.

^^^^^

Spock knelt at the meditation statue, trying to quiet his distress. He had held his t’hy’la all night, caught in the seduction of Kirk’s being. Where the idea to do so had come from, he had already ascertained. The bond was struggling for completion and was working its way through their psyches, changing their normal patterns of behavior with each other. Neither was thinking clearly, their condition obscuring any argument or reservations either had. When they woke that morning, both had been filled with a deep and abiding contentment, the strands of their minds slowly tightening. His captain had not been at all embarrassed at finding that he had slept cradled in his first officer’s arms, as if what they had done was not out of the ordinary, that the feelings growing between them the logical progression of their friendship. In his saner moments, Spock wondered at their actions, overlooking all the obvious obstacles, pretending that there could be no unforeseen ramifications.

On the bridge it had been as it always had, their actions and thoughts in synch. Speeding toward Starbase Two, and then on to Beta Aurigae and their meeting with the Potemkin, both had been busy with the details of their next assignment. The entire day had gone smoothly, only reinforcing their already biased thought processes. More than once, he had looked up to find Kirk watching him, their eyes locking for long seconds, an almost tangible flow of energy passing between them. It had been a heady experience. Even now, the remembrance of their oh, so perfect, fit as mind flowed into mind, created a reactive shudder in Spock’s body.

Kirk had once again been called to sickbay, interrupting their time together. That had been an hour ago. Janice Lester’s presence was continuing to be a burden on Kirk, a living reminder of past mistakes and regrets. Realizing that meditation was beyond him, Spock rose, starting toward the outer area when the door to his cabin opened, and a determined Kirk strode in, stopping only when he stood face to face with the Vulcan.

“Bond us. Bond us now.” Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand, positioning it on his face.

Later, he would wonder at his own immediate acquiescence. But now, all he knew was the siren call of fulfillment waiting for him as Kirk’s thoughts called through their physical contact. He pulled the human to him with one arm, while firming his touch on the upturned face. Falling into the meld, their minds rushed together, intertwining their souls in a blaze of white fire. Rapture flooded their being, the strength of the bond expanding out to encompass all they were as eternity came and went, forging the strands that would hold them together for all time. Kirk cried out, his arms encircling the Vulcan’s waist as he buckled under the force of their joining. It could have been minutes or days later, but finally Spock pulled his hand away, his wonder and joy reflected back from the large, hazel eyes. “It is done.”

Kirk smiled, his relief obvious. “Thank you, Spock. Thank you for not fighting me, for not making me beg for it.”

Spock tilted his head, looking closely at the human. He could already sense the difference, Kirk’s thoughts a harmonic thread running through his own. It was the most glorious moment he had ever known, marred only by the discordance he felt emanating from the man in his arms. “Something has upset you.” A feeling of protectiveness overwhelmed him. This was his bondmate. His mind sang.

“Yeah. It was bad...really bad.” Kirk slowly pulled out of the embrace, walking over to sit on the padded bench off to the side of the bed. Spock followed, taking his place next to him. He put his hands on the human’s shoulders, caressing gently. Kirk sighed as his tensions seem to evaporate.

“She is no better?”

“Better?” Kirk gave a bitter laugh. “She’s so much worse, Spock. I’m almost ashamed to admit how much I want her off the ship.” He rubbed his fingers across his forehead, fighting off the threatening headache. “She was in hysterics when I got there. Bones had her sedated but it didn’t seem to do much good. What she said to me...”

“She is ill, Jim. You can not take her words seriously.”

“Can’t I? She really gave it to be this time. Somehow...somehow she’s gotten it in her head that I’m responsible for everything that‘s gone wrong in her life, that I deliberately set out to take for myself whatever it was she wanted. Remember what Gary Mitchell used to say about me? About me being a ‘stack of books with legs’? Well, he wasn’t really exaggerating. I was so serious, about everything, including love. When Janice and I were together, I was so...rigid pretty much sums it up. With life, with her. I never out and out told her that she couldn’t be whatever she wanted to be, but maybe, unconsciously, I thought it. Maybe I figured that she should just be there for me, her ambitions taking second place. Kind of like the relationship my mom and dad had.”

“You were very young. Often, our thoughts at that time are not reasoned out. You wished for a life not unlike your parents, even though you and Miss Lester were not at all the same as they. That is not an uncommon desire, to follow the path set by one’s forebears. It is a trap I myself very nearly fell into.” Spock said, trying to dissipate Kirk’s guilt.

“Yeah, I was young. Young and stupid. Sometimes, I think that’s why, afterwards, I went the other way, overcompensating for what had happened. I’ve never had another relationship like that, so close and all encompassing. Not with a woman, anyway.” He turned and smiled at Spock. “I imagine that’s why I kept having affairs that, if I’d given it any thought, I’d have realized didn’t stand a chance in hell of working. On my way back here, all I could think of was that I wanted that kind of closeness again. The kind I’ve been denying myself all these years. And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted it with you.”

Spock stilled his hands, staring intently into the eyes locked with his. “We are together, now. We will always be together. Though I still fear what could come.”

“Pon farr?”

Spock hesitated. “Yes, pon farr. Still, I can not deny the satisfaction and completeness I feel. I desired this. More, perhaps, than you can ever comprehend. I have known for some time now that we are unusually mentally compatible. The strength of our bond, as new as it is, is testament to that. I will be whatever you wish me to be. Whatever you wish us to be.” He smiled, joy radiating from the slight change of countenance that only Jim Kirk ever saw. “I can deny you nothing.”

“I’m not afraid, Spock, not anymore. I know you could never hurt me.” He lifted his hand, covering the one resting on his shoulder. “Everything will be fine.”

^^^^^

The bridge was unusually busy as Kirk signed the latest report, his shift almost over. They were in orbit around Starbase Six, shore leave having been granted after the last grueling months of back to back missions. Most of the first shift bridge crew would be beaming down so everyone was making sure that there’d be no unforeseen problems to ruin their time off. Kirk looked around, a slight smile playing across his face. He hadn’t seen his people move this fast in a while. His slow perusal stopped as it came to the slender form of his bondmate. Spock alone, of the first watch, had decided to stay on board, something Kirk was sure he was not happy with. They had had as close to an argument as they came, Spock pushing his captain to spend time with McCoy and Kirk insisting that they should spend the time together. He found himself feeling that way more and more as time went by. Since that night two weeks before, he had spent almost all his free time with Spock. It felt right, comfortable. It had only been after McCoy himself had complained that Kirk had finally given in.

“McCoy to bridge.”

The voice of his friend pulled him out of his reverie and he hit the button to open up communications. “Kirk here. What’s going on, Bones?”

“I’ve got my things all packed and ready to go. Just making sure you’re not planning on cutting out on me, again.”

“Would I do that, Doctor?” The silence over the com spoke volumes. Maybe Spock was right. “Okay, I get the hint. I’ve got to stop off at my cabin. I’ll meet you in the transporter room in thirty minutes. Kirk out.” He stood, moving over to Spock’s station as the Vulcan rose to meet him. “There’s a few things we need to go over before I leave. Why don’t you see me off?”

With a nod, Spock followed Kirk out. They exited the bridge with a “Mr. Leslie, you have the com,” thrown over the Kirk's shoulder. Once alone in the turbolift, Kirk leaned against the railing, crossing his arms on his chest. “It looks like you’re getting your way after all.”

“I do not believe you will find the time ill spent. You yourself have complained of your lack of stimulation, recently.” Spock gave him a knowing look. “In any event, it will allay McCoy’s suspicions.”

Kirk sighed. “You’re right. I haven’t spent much time with him recently. These next four days should go a long way to making it up. I just hope he doesn’t expect me to spend all that time going from bar to bar.”

Spock look of surprise coincided with the turbolift reaching its destination. He kept his council until they reached Kirk’s cabin. As Kirk went about getting his things together, Spock stood quietly watching. They had barely touched on this topic, Kirk deftly skirting around it anytime Spock had tried to bring it up. “Jim, is there a reason why you do not wish to go with McCoy?”

Kirk turned from his packing, but his eyes remained on the article of clothing in his hands. “I thought, well, I thought it would be better if you and I...”

Spock walked up to him, and taking the shirt from his hand, folded it neatly and placed it in the open valise on the bed. “I knew when we bonded that there would be times that you would need to seek release. It is not a betrayal, t’hy’la.”

Kirk looked up, touched by the trust given to him by this very special man. “I know it’s not. I guess I just didn’t want it to intrude so soon. And I really did want to spend the time with you.”

“We have known each other for many years. I have long been aware of this part of your life. I would never think to change you, in any way. You will go with the doctor, and you will do all the things that you have always done. I will be here when you return.”

“I should have realized that I can’t hide anything from you. Maybe I’m being ridiculous, but what’s between us, it’s so very important to me. I won’t do anything to jeopardize it.”

“You will not, for you have not.” Spock turned and walked toward the door. Just before the door sensor engaged, he turned back and faced Kirk, his love and affection conveyed by the look in his eyes and the small smile on his lips. “Have a good time, Captain.”

^^^^^

 _Hands caressing him, holding him, the feel of lips hot on his groin. He moaned, pushing his cock deeper into the fiery wetness. He entwined his hands in the silky dark hair, running his fingers over the pointed ears._

Kirk came awake with a start, pulling his hand away from his still throbbing cock, semen spattered on his belly. Sitting up, he gasped for air, his heart slowly settling into a normal beat. God, he had never had a dream like that. The intensity of it was almost frightening. And why in the hell would he have a dream like that about Spock? Because he wasn’t fooling himself, it had been Spock in his dream. He turned, remembering that he wasn’t alone. The blonde, _what was her name?_ lay on her stomach, her face turned away. Relief washed over him as he realized that she hadn’t seen, hadn’t heard as he had got off, having a wet dream like a teenager.

He stood up, silently making his way to the bathroom. He stepped into the shower, turning the water on full force, as hot as he could handle. Resting his hands against the wall, he let the water pound against the back of his neck, his head dropped down between his outstretched arms. Why had it happened? He had had sex with the woman only hours ago, though he had to admit to himself that it had been...slightly unsatisfying. Face it, Kirk, the last twenty four hours had been unsatisfying. Was that it? Pushing the thought away, he wondered just when this particular shore leave had begun to go sour. He and McCoy had beamed down and, out of habit, had hit the first bar after stowing their things in their hotel rooms. He remembered drinking more than usual, trying to force a gaiety he was far from feeling.

 

“What’s the matter, Jim?” McCoy’s annoyance was obvious as he glared at his friend. “Can’t you at least pretend you’re having a good time?”

Kirk sat up, pulling himself from an uncharacteristic slouch. “I’m fine. Just because I’m not the life of the party doesn’t mean I’m not having a good time.”

“Life of the party? Hell, nobody’d mistake you for that. You’ve been sitting there like you’d just lost your best friend. Damn, that’s it, isn’t it?”

“That’s what?” Kirk’s temper rose, as he felt himself going on the defensive.

“Spock. This is all about Spock. Damn it, Jim, can’t you go anywhere without him anymore?”

“Spock doesn’t have anything to do with it. I’m bored, okay? There’s nothing going on here, there isn’t a woman worth taking the time for, and the drinks are watered down. Isn’t that enough?”

McCoy had drunk enough to be fooled. “Well, why didn’t you say so? Come on, I know of a place right up the street. Just what the doctor ordered.”

 

And so it had begun. By the third bar, or was it the fourth?, he was feeling no pain, or anything else. Sometime during the night, they had paired up with a couple of women they met at one of the more high priced establishments. He didn’t think they were hookers. God, he hoped not. He felt bad enough without having to pay for what had been one step above masturbation.

He turned off the water and toweling off, returned to the outer room and hurriedly dressed. Damn. His clothes smelled like, like a bar, the stale odor of smoke and liquor and sweat, mixed in with perfume. He glanced over at the sleeping woman. He hoped she had gotten something out of this, but he wasn’t about to wake her and ask. He quickly jotted down a note, apologizing for his absence and, gathering the rest of his things, slipped out the door, closing it silently. McCoy or no, he wasn’t going to spend another night doing this again. He was tired. Tired of drinking himself half way to oblivion just so he could pick up on some accommodating woman. There were better ways of spending his free time, and he wasn’t going to deny himself the pleasure anymore. The direction of his thoughts, and the choice he had just made, skirted past his conscious mind, lost in what was fast becoming the focus of his life.

^^^^^

Spock looked up from the viewscreen, the touch on his shoulder bringing him out of his deep concentration. “Captain!”

“What’s so fascinating, Science Officer?” Kirk teased, gently. He had taken the time to shower again and change, throwing on an old pair of Levi's and a worn flannel shirt. He felt comfortable, being in Spock’s company only enhancing it. Alone in the science lab, he could allow his feelings full rein, let go in front of the only one he dared do so.

Switching off the instrument, Spock gave all his attention to Kirk. “It is the last report on Beta Aurigae. I had not had time to complete the final screening of the material, as I had the science officer from the Potemkin send me their readings to augment our own.” He tilted his head, giving Kirk a questioning look. “I was under the impression that you had four days of shore leave. You have not been gone twenty four hours.”

Kirk blushed slightly, locking his gaze on his hands as he slowly wrung them together. “I missed you.”

“As I missed you, t’hy’la.” Spock smiled, his eyes alight with affection.

“You’re not upset?” Kirk’s spirits rose as he realized that Spock wasn’t going to fight him on this anymore.

“No. It was foolish of me to insist that you continue in a pursuit you no longer find appealing.”

His laugh was light, happy at the thought of three days together. “Let’s say we get some gear together and go check out the real wildlife on the planet.”

“And McCoy?”

Kirk look chagrined. “I left him a note at the front desk of the hotel. Right now I’m probably not his favorite person. He was ragging on me earlier about my ‘fixation’ on you. This is really going to give him ammunition.”

“You understand why I do not wish others to know, do you not?”

“Yeah, and I agree with you. We need to have the bond recognized by Vulcan first. “And,” he hesitated, “truth be told, I’m not ready for the crew to know, either. It’s just that I feel like such a heel hiding it from Bones. I know I’m hurting him. He doesn’t understand why things have changed.”

“Perhaps in time. But please Jim, not yet.”

Kirk did understand. If Spock’s parents were to find out about it from another source they would be extremely hurt, never mind Sarek’s claim of non emotion. Neither of them were on Vulcan and until they returned, Spock thought it best to wait. The Enterprise was scheduled for an overhaul there in three months. Hopefully, luck would be on their side and they could inform Sarek and Amanda at that time, as well as have their bonding ceremony. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell.” He smiled at his bondmate, so very glad that they were together. “Come on. We’re wasting time. I want to spend tonight under the stars.”

^^^^^

This was more like it. Comfortably situated on his sleeping bag, Kirk appraised the Vulcan. Spock was meticulously preparing their dinner over the fire crackling before them, deftly manipulating the food containers for maximum heating. Kirk let his thoughts drift, enjoying the quiet companionship they shared. Why was it so wrong to want this? At thirty-five, wasn’t it time to stop the carousing, the jumping from bed to bed? It would be different if he met a woman he cared for, but until then, he wasn’t going to deny himself the pleasure of Spock’s company. He smiled at his friend, leaning forward to take the plate of steaming vegetables being offered. Inspecting it closely, he looked up and caught the amusement playing across Spock’s face. “Smells good. What is it?”

Spock took his place on his own sleeping bag, spread out a few feet from Kirk’s. “It is a mixture of Terran and Vulcan vegetables, steamed with a light oil used on Vulcan for flavoring.”

Kirk took a bite, sampling one of the less familiar offerings. The taste was excellent, and he nodded his approval. Digging in, he made short work of it and happily took seconds. “This is really good, Spock. Where’d you learn to cook?”

“All Vulcan children are taught the culinary arts. It is considered a necessary skill.”

“In other words, knowing how to feed yourself properly is ‘logical’.”

“Exactly. I am please that you find it to your liking.”

“Well, it runs circles around the concoctions McCoy forces on us.” Thinking about the doctor, he remembered his dissatisfaction of the night before...and the dream that had sent him running from his hotel room. What would Spock think if he knew? He managed to ignore the whisper of worry at the back of his mind for the rest of the night, turning the conversation to work, duty, and all the little things that made up their life on the Enterprise.

“Perhaps it is time to retire,” Spock said in response to the yawn Kirk tried to stifle.

Kirk stretched, rubbing his hands over his face. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I’d like to get up early enough to get in a good day’s hike.” He removed his clothes while Spock banked the fire, slipping into his sleeping bag as the cold night air brought chills to his naked body.

The Vulcan lowered the lantern light and begin undressing, done in he same casual elegance he used at his station on the bridge.

 _He's so graceful at everything he does._ Kirk watched through half closed eyes, the lantern throwing a soft light over the exposed body. Removing his pants, the Vulcan stood up, his nakedness drawing the human’s gaze to wander over his bondmate’s form. _God, he’s beautiful._ The filling of his cock snapped Kirk out of his euphoria. He looked away, heat suffusing his face. What was going on? Why was his body reacting like this? He barely managed a response to Spock’s goodnight, his mind trying to deal with the awakening desire. First the dream, now this. He thought again of his friend’s body, the sinewy muscles, the heavy cock lying between strong legs, and felt his own responding to the image. _Think of something else, you fool!_ But he couldn’t, his thoughts returning to the idea of the Vulcan making love to him. What would it feel like, to have that body over his? To have that mouth tasting him, sucking him? To bury himself in the Vulcan’s heat, or to have that big, beautiful cock shoved up his... _Stop it!_ He had to stop this, whatever it was. Fists clenched, he fought for control over his errant body. He finally fell into a troubled sleep, his dreams filled with the fantasies that were becoming a part of him, their long dormancy over.

^^^^^

“Standard orbit, Mr. Chekov. Uhura, open up a channel to Dr. Matheson’s laboratory. Find out when they plan to be ready for beam-up.” Kirk rose from the command chair, Spock already at his side. Their imminent return to M-113, even after almost three years, still brought memories of the tragedy that had marred the first expedition. “Guess it’s up to us to make sure the doctor and his group don’t run into any trouble. It’s taken a long time for the Federation to approve another expedition.” They headed for the turbolift. “Mr. Sulu, you have the com.”

“Indeed, it was only after every effort was made to insure that the planet was truly uninhabited that permission was given.” Spock replied, as they entered the lift.

“I hope McCoy doesn’t have too much of a problem with this. His memories of the last time are still pretty tender.” Kirk wasn’t sure how McCoy was dealing with this as they hadn’t really talked in over a week. The doctor had been steaming when he transported back to the Enterprise and found that Kirk had taken off on a camping trip with his first officer. It had taken all of Kirk’s considerable charm to placate him, but things were still not all that great between them. For his own part, Kirk was almost glad. He really didn’t want McCoy digging through his psyche right now. He had been able to convince himself that the problem he had experienced with Spock had been an aberration, a one time event caused by his unsatisfying encounter. The rest of their trip had been pleasant, both he and Spock enjoying their time together, and he hadn’t had another reaction to his bondmate.

“He has been somewhat reticent. Has he spoken to you of this?” Spock asked.

“No. He’s still kind of upset with me about last week. I wish I could make him understand. He thinks I just don’t want to spend time with him, that I’d rather spend it with you.” He looked up at the Vulcan with a rueful smile. “I guess that’s true in a way. I just wish he was willing to do something else on shore leave than...well, you know what I mean.”

“Yes, Dr. McCoy seems to be more than willing to continue in his current lifestyle.”

“I don’t think he wants to get too close to another woman. After all these years, his divorce is still a sore spot.”

The lift stopped and they exited, making their way to the transporter room. Kirk hoped that Dr. Matheson and his party had finally managed to get everything ready. They were supposed to leave orbit within the hour and would be cutting things close. McCoy was waiting when they arrived, silently taking his place next to Kirk.

“Captain, Dr. Matheson just signaled. They’re ready now, sir.” The transporter tech relayed.

“Energize, Mr. Kyle.” Kirk watched as the six figures formed on the transporter pads. When they finally coalesced, four men and two women stood in front of him. All were Terran except for the female Andorian. Spock had mentioned her before. Dr. Thera was a famed anthropologist and his first officer had been as close as he got to excited when discussing her and her fascinating work. The tall man in front stepped down, his hand extended.

“Captain Kirk.” He took Kirk’s hand in a firm handshake. “I’m Tom Matheson, head of the expedition.” At 6’4”, the ebony haired scientist was a striking figure.

“Dr. Matheson, may I present my science officer, Mr. Spock,” He turned, presenting the Vulcan, who nodded his head slightly. “and Dr. McCoy, my CMO.” The two doctors shook hands.

“Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy. I’ve heard a lot about both of you. I hope I can pick your brains on M-113. I’d be grateful for any information you can give us.”

“I’m sure they’d be be more than willing to provide any assistance. In the meanwhile, let’s get your party settled. It’s five days to M-113, so you’ll have plenty of opportunities later.” Kirk watched as the rest of the expedition came forward. Matheson was a striking man, but the woman who now stood before them was more than his match. She was as tall as Kirk, but with a slimness that offset it. Her hair was cropped short, laying in blond wisps around her face.

“Captain, this is Dr. Irene Norton, my right hand man, er, woman. Irene, Captain James Kirk.” Matheson drew the woman possessively toward his side, leaving his arm draped around her waist.

“Captain. I hope we won’t be too much of a bother. I’m sure taxiing scientists from planet to planet isn’t what you had in mind when you joined Starfleet.” The brilliant green eyes seemed to say even more, but before Kirk could respond, she pulled out of Matheson’s arms and walked back to the rest of the group.

“The rest are Dr. Thera, from Andor, who I’m sure you’ve heard of, Patrick Montenegro and Sean Harrison, demolitions and architecture. One builds them up, the other pulls them down. And this is Dr. Mark Rennie.” Matheson motioned to the slight, dark haired man coming up to them.

The frown that marred the man's face disappeared as he took the captain's hand. “Glad to be aboard, Captain Kirk. For a while there, I never thought we’d leave. We really appreciate the trouble you’re going to.”

Kirk smiled, liking him immediately. “Well, we’ll be on our way within the hour, so if you would all follow Yeoman Meadows, he’ll show you to your quarters.” He returned his attention to Matheson. “Doctor, perhaps you and your party would do us the honor of joining me and my officers for dinner tonight. Give us all a chance to get to know each other.”

“That’d be great. We’ll see you then.” Matheson led his people out, glancing back only to give Kirk a speculative look before catching Dr. Norton’s eye.

“I don’t like that man.” McCoy stated, his first words since getting there.

“You do not even not him, Doctor.” Spock intoned, his words at odds with the barely perceptible look of consternation on his face.

McCoy eyed the Vulcan. “You don’t like him either, so I don’t want to hear it. What about you, Jim? What do feel about him and his beautiful colleague?”

Kirk glanced at Spock before centering his attention on McCoy. “I don’t know. We did just meet them. Rennie seems like a decent sort of guy.”

“Yeah, maybe. But what he’s doing with those two is beyond me. I guess we’ll find out tonight.” The doctor started to the door. “I’ll see you two then.”

Kirk watched the departing doctor. “He’s still upset.”

“Perhaps.”

They started back to the bridge, Kirk’s thoughts on Irene Norton. He hadn’t been drawn to her, at least not in the way he would have thought. He had seen a beautiful, desirable woman, but the responsive surge from his body had not come. He glanced up at Spock, wondering again at his growing awareness of the Vulcan’s physical attractiveness. His gaze almost automatically shifted to Spock’s groin, imagining the cock nestled there. The sudden stirring of his penis caused him to falter. “I think I’ll go to my cabin. Shift’s almost over, anyway. I’ll see you later, Spock.” He turned, hurrying away from his perplexed bondmate.

 

Spock stared at his fast receding captain, worry deepening. Kirk had been acting strangely the last eight days, ever since their return from shore leave. Most of the time it wasn’t that noticeable, more of a distancing than anything else. They still spent time together, but had not melded as had become their habit since bonding. He had thought to give it time, but now decided it needed to be addressed before things grew worse. Tonight, after the dinner. Decision made, Spock headed for the bridge.

^^^^^

The dinner was going well. Gathered around the large, sumptuously set table, Kirk and his officers presented a dignified example of Starfleet at its finest. They had laid out their finest dinnerware, and the table sparkled with polished silver and the sounds of engaging conversation.

The scientists were interspersed between them, with Kirk positioned between Tom Matheson and Irene Norton. Spock was directly across from him, and it gave him the opportunity to watch the Vulcan without being conspicuous. Spock was in deep conversation with Thera. Probably some 'fascinating' treatise on some complicated subject. A smile lit Kirk’s face when Spock looked up, the Vulcan’s raised eyebrow at catching his bondmate conveying so much of what was between them. _God, I love him._ Kirk knew he needed to talk to Spock, needed to get his problem out in the open. They were bondmates, for god’s sake. Spock would never turn away from him. He knew that. He had spent his time in his cabin trying to come to terms with his new feelings, and never one for hand wringing, wanted to get things settled as quickly as possible. He continued to gaze at the Vulcan, the warmth of their shared affection comforting him.

“Don’t you agree, Captain Kirk?” Matheson watched with interest as confusion played across the captain’s handsome face.

“I’m sorry, Doctor. I was momentarily distracted. To what were you referring?”

“Love. Fidelity. All the myths we humans have created to whitewash our baser instincts. You’re a single man. Young and very handsome.” Matheson gave him a predatory smile. “Surely you agree that to expect men such as we to confine ourselves to only one partner is patently ridiculous.”

Kirk glanced at Dr. Norton and then back at Matheson, who was leaning forward, his elbows on the table. Kirk had seen that look before, already aware that his appeal extended to males. This time, it bothered him in a way he didn’t want to think about. “No, I don’t think so. I must be a romantic at heart. I don’t see anything wrong with being with only one person, if it’s the right person.”

“You see, Tom. Not all men subscribe to your way of thinking.” Norton interjected, leaning forward and placing her hand on Kirk’s forearm. “I for one think it’s wonderful that you feel that way, Captain. I knew you would.” She began running her fingers over his arm, looking up at him through lowered lashes.

Across the table, Spock watched the three. It disturbed him, the way the two scientists were playing with Kirk. A desire to protect his bondmate flared to live. Totally illogical, he chastised himself. His friend was more than able to take care of himself, especially in situations dealing with human sexuality.

“Is Captain Kirk unattached, Mr. Spock?” Rennie asked, concerned

Spock turned to the man on his left. “He is not married. Why do you ask, Dr. Rennie?”

“Mark, please. I’m not one for titles. Just curious. He seems to have made a conquest of both Tom and Irene, not an easy thing to do.” The young scientist looked across the table, worry evident. “They can be formidable, when it comes to getting what they want.”

Spock regarded the young man. It was obvious that he was worried about Kirk, but the Vulcan realized that Rennie would not openly accuse his colleagues of any wrongdoing. “Should I make my captain aware of your concern?”

“I don’t know how close you two are, but if you’re any kind of friend to him, yes. Tom and Irene, well, let’s just say that Kirk may be a real ladies’ man, or so I’ve heard, but he’s way out of his league with those two.”

Spock ruffled slightly. He did not take kindly the suggestion that anyone could best Kirk...at anything. “Captain Kirk is a formidable man in his own right. Perhaps it is Drs. Norton and Matheson who should be concerned.”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.” Rennie brought his hands up, as if fighting off an attack. “Seriously. You obviously ca— are concerned for your captain. Just let him know that things can get complicated when you deal with those two. Even a man as strong as he obviously is, can’t always deal with so much attention. Tom and Irene like to share...if you get my drift.”

The Vulcan returned his attention to Kirk, knowing his own disquiet over the other two scientists’ obvious interest in his bondmate. “Perhaps you are right. Captain Kirk is often precipitous in his actions. I will make him aware of the complications in dealing with them.”

“Good, that’s all I ask.”

Their conversation had turned from there. Spock found it easy to talk to the man. They were similar in many ways, two scientists whose main concern was often the work they had dedicated their lives to. Still, when Kirk finally rose, extricating himself from Dr. Norton, Spock was relieved.

“If you would all excuse me. There are certain duties a captain must perform that, unfortunately, can’t be delegated. I hope your evening was a pleasant one.” Kirk pushed his chair in. “Mr. Spock, I need to go over our new orders with you. If you are free...”

Spock quickly stood, coming around to stand at Kirk’s side. “Whenever you are ready, Captain.” The two men departed as one.

^^^^^

Kirk studied the board, his queen in jeopardy. “You’ve been practicing behind my back.” They had retired to Spock's cabin instead of his, knowing there'd be less chance of an interruption.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Or perhaps, you have not practiced enough.”

Kirk shook his head. “No time. Besides, I don’t have the opportunity you have to spend with the computer.” He moved his knight, hoping to put off the inevitable. He was losing...badly.

“Jim.” Spock hesitated, unsure how to bring up the subject.

“Yeah?” Kirk studied the board, his attention only half on Spock’s voice.

“Earlier, during dinner, Mark...Dr. Rennie wished me to speak to you concerning—”

“Mark? How much did you two talk?” There was a hard edge to his words, his focus swiftly settling on Spock.

“We— quite a lot.” Spock gave him a puzzled look. “I do not understand your animosity towards him. He is an expert in his field, and provided me with a great deal of invaluable information. Also, we discussed the upcoming expedition and how it could open up new avenues for him. That, however, was not his concern. He fears his colleagues’ interest in you.”

“Really. And just exactly what does he think their interest in me is?”

“He was not specific. He was reluctant to make unsubstantiated accusations, but I received the impression that they have made a practice of pursuing the same ‘quarry’, ‘hunting in pairs’, as it were.”

Kirk’s eyes widened, a blush suffusing his face. “What? Are you saying he implied that they wanted a three-way?”

“That was my understanding.”

“Damn, I haven’t been propositioned like that in...” His voice trailed off. “Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jim. I understand that you are, and have been, much desired by both men and women. My only concern was that you not be exposed to the situation without forewarning.”

“It...it doesn’t bother you? The idea of me being with another man?”

“Why would it?” Spock asked, perplexed.

Kirk squirmed, resettling himself, and leaning forward in his chair. “I don’t know. I didn’t think Vulcans believed in same-sex relationships.”

“It would be illogical to deny what is. Warrior bonding is as honored as male to female bonding.”

“Is that what we have? A warrior bond?”

“No. A warrior bond is between two men who have sexual relations together.”

“Then what do we have?” Kirk’s tone was almost pleading, as if asking something entirely different.

Spock stared at his bondmate, only now noticing the tension Kirk was radiating. “It is a mental bond between two who are closer to each other than...Jim, why are you asking this?”

“Because I...” He drew a deep breath. “Recently, I’ve noticed a change in myself, in the way I look at things.”

“What ‘things’?”

"Who I am, deep inside. What it is I want. It's turning out to be entirely different from what I thought."

"And this distresses you." It was not a question.

"Yeah, but mainly because I'm not sure how you're going to take it."

"Do you believe that I would turn from you?" Spock leaned forward, bringing himself closer. "Surely you must know that I could never do that."

"I keep telling myself that." Kirk spoke, softly. "I know this is something that has to be dealt with."

Spock quietly waited, his concern and affection there for Kirk, always.

Kirk was quiet for several moments, his gaze fixed on Spock's face. Finally, he began to speak. “I’m going to tell you something, and I hope to god it doesn’t change the way you feel about me. The last few days I’ve been feeling desire.” He reached over, taking Spock’s hand. “For you. I want you.”

“I beg your pardon?” His words were laced with shock.

“I want you, physically.” The Vulcan’s hand tightened on his. “Spock?”

“I...I do not understand how this happened.”

“Well, obviously I’m the only one affected. Aren’t I?”

Spock cleared his throat. “Yes, I do not...”

“You don’t want me...that way.” Kirk started to pull his hand away, but it was held fast. “You can let go now.”

“Will you not allow me my rights as your bondmate?” Spock gently asked.

“Rights? And what rights are those?”

“To be for you whatever you wish me to be. To fulfill you.”

Kirk shot up, jerking his hand out of Spock’s. “Are you crazy?” He turned and began pacing back and forth. “I can just see us. You letting me do whatever I want to you out of pity. No. No way. I’ve never forced myself on anyone and I’m not about to start now. Especially with you.”

Spock stood and grabbed Kirk by the shoulders, stopping the pacing. “It would not be pity. You are my bondmate. There is nothing I would not do for you, gladly. Your touch, your love. These things could never be anything but precious to me.”

“But you wouldn’t feel anything!” Kirk shuddered, his feelings of rejection and loss reverberating in his every movement. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s not your fault. I just can’t let you do that. It would hurt too much.”

“Jim, please.”

“No, Spock.” Kirk's smile was sad as he brought his arms up to take Spock’s hands and break Spock’s hold on him. “You’ll never know how honored I am that you would even think of doing that for me. But I can’t let you. I need someone who wants me as much as I want them. Anything less...I can’t.”

“Is desire so important? More important than affection? Regard? Love?”

“No, but you’re confusing the issue. You’re confusing me.” Kirk turned away.

"How? Is this not just one more aspect of our lives together? I do not understand why you would deny me the right to comfort you, to fulfill your needs. It is my right."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Kirk sighed, moving further away. "Why do I feel like this has all happened before? Like there's something I should remember, something important?"

Spock came closer, a physical attempt to remove the distance that had sprung up between them. "I do not know, t'hy'la. I only know that I wish to be this for you, however illogical that may seem. I am your bondmate." For him, that was all there was, all there had to be.

"This is so strange." Kirk shook his head. "Here we were so concerned about pon farr, and I end up being the one to..."

"Do not speak of it thus. It is not the same." Spock tone was almost angry.

“I don't know. I...I need time alone, to think this through. It's late, I should return to my quarters. We can talk about it tomorrow. Okay?”

Spock came up behind him, almost touching. “Very well. But please, try to remember that you, and your happiness, are the most important things to me.”

“All right.” He looked back at Spock. “I’ll try.” Straightening his shoulders, he walked out.

^^^^^

“And this is one of my favorite places on the ship.” Kirk stood aside, letting the woman walk in before him.

“It’s lovely.” Irene gazed around the room before turning back to Kirk and twining her arm through his. “A walk through a beautiful garden next to a handsome man. What more could a woman ask for?”

He smiled at her as they started down the path into the depths of the garden. It had taken very little effort to get her here, and her obvious interest in him was a boost he desperately needed. “I’m glad you like it. I really enjoy my time in here. It’s our own little piece of Earth.” He watched her admire the scenery as they walked along. “Have you been to Earth recently, Dr. Norton?”

“No, and 'Irene', please.” She pulled closer to him, smiling. “I don’t feel like ‘Dr. Norton’ right now. Especially with you.”

They continued on in silence, an undercurrent of anticipation following them. Kirk guided their path, progressing deeper into the lush growth until finally reaching a more secluded area. “Would you like to sit a while?” He had purposely brought her here. The wooden bench was tucked among a dense growth of shrubbery, almost completely hidden.

“I’d love to.” She sat, not showing any surprise when he took his place next to her, his arm snaking around her waist. It was evidently what she had been waiting for, and without preamble she took his mouth with hers, her tongue thrusting deeply as her hands began to roam over his arms and back.

Pleasantly surprised by her sudden assault, he let himself be drawn in, enjoying the affect he was having on her. His arm around her waist pulled her closer, and breaking the kiss he started nipping and sucking at her throat. He pulled her tunic slightly aside, exposing her shoulder and continuing his oral caresses. She moaned softly, and he felt her hand cover his genitals, slightly squeezing his cock. “Perhaps we should go back to my cabin.” He whispered, his hand coming to rest on hers, discreetly pulling it away.

“Why not mine? Less chance of interruption.” She pulled back, smiling seductively. “Wait ten minutes. I need to get comfortable.” She rose and, with a languid backward glance, retraced their steps out of the garden.

He leaned back, watching the sway of her hips as she walked away. It’d been a while since he’d been with a woman, being disinclined to count, much less think about, the last time. A little seduction, a night of good, hard sex would do him a world of good. Anything to take his mind off Spock and his problem. Really? Then why aren’t you hard yet? He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, determined to go through with it, guilt only a small voice fast receding. She was a desirable woman. Not someone he’s want to have an extended relationship with, but for the night, she was exactly what he needed.

^^^^^

“He’s on his way, then?”

“Yes. He’ll be here any minute.” It had taken Irene only a few minutes to change and so she had taken the chance of reaching Tom in his cabin. She hadn’t expected to get Kirk here so fast.

“You didn’t waste time...or he didn’t.” The man’s voice was mocking.

“Jealous?” She laughed. “Don’t worry, Tom. I’d never leave you out of the kill. Give me about ten minutes to get him prepped. The stuff usually only takes about five to really get going. He’ll never know what hit him.”

“Our dear Captain Kirk should be honored. Rumor has it that he’s not into men so his first time should be quite an experience.”

The door signal went off. “He’s here. Remember, ten minutes.”

She moved to the door, drink in hand is it flew open. "Comfortable" didn’t begin to describe what she wore. More like 'not quite there.' The clingy material wrapped itself around her hips and breasts like a second skin, skimming down to mid thigh. Kirk's look said that it had the desired effect.

“Come in, Captain. I hope the wait was worth it.” She moved back, showing herself off like a gift ready to be unwrapped, and then handed him a drink.

“Very nice. Very nice, indeed.” Kirk took the glass and then allowed her to lead him to the sleeping area. Placing the drink by the bedside, he took her in his arms, her mouth eager as he lowered his lips to hers. His hands skimmed down, cupping her ass and pulling her body against his. She began to grind her hips, pushing up against his groin.

“What’s the matter? Am I moving too fast for you?” She slowly brought her hand down, and insinuating it between their bodies, cupped his lax genitals.

“Maybe we should slow it down a bit. It’s been a long day. Let’s just sit and talk for a little bit, relax.” There was a slight edge in his voice.

Irene pulled back, wondering what was going on. This was not the reaction she had expected from the man whose galaxy-wide reputation as a lover proceeded him. “I guess that’ll be okay. You better be worth the wait.” She laughed softly as she picked up their drinks and walked to the outer area, setting them on the counter and sitting on one of the stools positioned next to it. She patted the stool next to her. “Come on. I won’t bite.”

“I didn’t think you would. Much too pretty for that.” He smiled, his gaze roaming over her in appreciation.

She smiled back, and leaning forward, brought her hand down on his thigh. “So, what is it that excites a starship captain?” She ran her nails lightly over his inner thigh, slowly inching closer to his crotch.

“Different things. The stars. His ship. A beautiful woman.” He grabbed her hand, bringing it up to his lips.

“You sure?” Irene's puzzlement grew. Something was definitely not right here. He wasn’t responding at all. His moves were almost forced, as if he was doing this by route. His drink still sat untouched, so she picked up hoping to move things along. Tom would be here soon. “Here, take a sip. It’ll relax you.” To her surprise he stood, taking the glass and placing it on the counter before pulling her close.

“I don’t need a drink.” He kissed her then, hard, fondling her body. His hands were all over her, his mouth moving from her lips to her neck, as he sucked and lightly bit his way down.

Nothing was happening. She could feel his flaccid organ pressed against her, and was thrown off balance when he suddenly pulled her dress off, and began to kneed her breasts and ass, almost desperately. When her door signal went off, she heard Kirk sigh. Was it relief she saw flit across his face?

Pulling away, she casually walked over to the door. Tom was early, but perhaps it was for the best. Maybe between the both of them, they could get the captain to respond. When the door slid open, it was to the first officer of the Enterprise.

“I wish to speak with Captain Kirk. Is he here?” Spock didn’t skip a beat as he lifted an eyebrow, looking past her to his captain.

The Vulcan. What the hell was he doing here? She turned back, noticing that neither man really seemed aware of her anymore.

“Spock.” Kirk walked over, picking up and absent-mindedly handing Irene her dress along the way, his relief at the interruption obvious. “Is there a problem?”

“It is of a personal nature. If it would not be inconvenient, could we discuss this someplace more private?”

“Sure. Sure, Spock.” He turned back to her, as she struggled back into her clothes. “I’m sorry, Irene. A captain’s always available to his crew.”

Something was going on here. Well, two could play at that game. She shot the Vulcan a dirty look before returning her gaze to Kirk, seductively perusing his body. “Tomorrow, perhaps?”

“Perhaps.” He looked at Spock. “Come on. Your cabin’s closer.”

“Good evening, Miss Norton. I hope you have a pleasant night.” Spock gave a slight nod and turning, walked off with his captain.

^^^^^

Kirk was almost hysterical by the time they made Spock’s cabin. It had started as quiet giggles as they made their way through the all but deserted corridors of the ship. By the time they made the turbolift, he had been doubled over with laughter.

“I do not understand your hilarity.” Spock watched as Kirk tried to bring himself under control.

Wiping away tears, Kirk sat on the edge of the desk, his laughter finally dying down. “It’s not hilarity. It’s sheer relief. If you hadn’t come along when you did....” He frowned. “Why did you come along? And how did you know I was there in the first place?”

“Our bond. I could feel your distress over your..."

"Just say it. I couldn't get it up. Not one of my better performances."

"You are under a great deal of stress. That can have a detrimental..."

"Never mind, Spock." Kirk interjected, gently. "What was it you wanted to see me about?"

"As I mentioned, it is a personal matter.”

“What personal matter?” As if he didn’t know. He had avoided the subject for the last two days, had in fact avoided being alone with Spock. Maybe he couldn’t get it up with Irene but he sure wasn’t having a problem now. Alone with the Vulcan, his body came alive.

“The matter of a man’s need for his bondmate.” Spock walked over, placing his hands on the Kirk's shoulders.

“Don’t. I already told you I couldn’t do that.” He dropped his head down and tried to pull away, but Spock refused to curtail his Vulcan strength, holding him fast.

“Jim, listen to me. I am not speaking of your needs, but of my own.”

Kirk’s head shot up, hope shining from the hazel eyes. “Are you saying that you want me?”

“Yes, but not in the way you think.” Spock’s gaze lingered on his face. “You are very beautiful to me, in all ways. But I am speaking of a different kind of need. A Vulcan need.”

“I don’t understand.” Hope faded but his curiosity kept him still.

“As the days have progressed since our bonding, I, too, have felt a growing need. One that, at first, you seemed willing to fulfill.”

Suddenly, Kirk knew. “A meld. You want to meld with me.”

Spock looked down, heat flooding his face. “Yes. I have missed you. My hunger for you grows more powerful as the days pass.”

“Oh Spock, I’m sorry. Of course we can meld. Come on.” He grabbed the Vulcan’s hand and led him over to the bed, sitting down at its foot. “Is this okay?”

Spock sat next to him, his eyes questioning. “I should ask that of you. I did not think you would be willing to be in such close physical contact.”

“It’s all right. I know you need this. Spock, whatever you need, I’m happy to give you.” Kirk closed his eyes, placing the Vulcan’s hand on his face. “Go ahead.”

It was different this time. Spock’s essence washed over him, surrounding him. Kirk could feel the fulfillment and love as their thoughts entwined. His arms, of their own volition, came up and around, encircling his bondmate, pulling the warm body against his own.

The meld drove deeper, as Spock reached into Kirk’s very core, the his feelings spread out as a banquet for the Vulcan to feed on.

Kirk drifted, his mind relaxing into the meld. As if in a dream, he found his body moving to fulfill its own agenda, desire overcoming all else. Clothes dropped away, his hands and mouth all over the lean body suddenly beneath him, his hunger for Spock fueled by the meld.

Spock pushed further in, his mind wanting, needing, taking the light that was his bondmate’s being. The physical melted away, until it was just a remote presence, Kirk’s touch a gossamer sensation.

Their merging continued, and without thought, Kirk turned Spock onto his stomach as he positioned them for the joining he so desperately desired. Plunging forward, he was engulfed in heat as he moved in an ancient rhythm.

Spock's body tightened around his cock moving within him, as he tightened his grip on Kirk’s soul. Kirk arched up, driving himself deeper into his bondmate, finally spilling himself into the Vulcan below him. Taking and taken, they withdrew, one from the other. Sleep came.

^^^^^

He woke to heat, deep, abiding heat. He snuggled back, wanting more of the comforting warmth pressed against him, enveloping him like the arms of a lover. His eyes snapped open, the arms around him tightening as he fought to break their grasp.

“Let me go.” Kirk stopped struggling, using his command voice in an attempt to break Spock’s hold.

“No. You must listen to me first. Only then will I release you.” Spock didn't appear to be buying the 'I’m the captain' routine, not this time.

“All right. Say what you have to say. I’ve got a ship to run.” Anger had replaced the contentment he had felt on awakening. Anger, and a sense of betrayal.

“I needed you, and you appeared to want to fulfill that need. Was I in error?” Spock’s voice was soft and low, his words a plea.

Kirk sighed. “You know I did. That’s not the problem. Why did you let things go as far as they did? Why did you let me do that to you?”

“Jim, why is it all right for you to fulfill my needs, but unacceptable for me to do the same for you? Was the meld unpleasant? Did you feel violated by what I did?”

“No, you know I didn’t. It was beautiful.”

“Then why must you continue to believe that what you did to me was?” He pulled him closer to lie his head on Kirk’s shoulder. “T’hy’la, last night we gave to each other. Do not destroy what we have with misplaced feelings of regret and guilt.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Is it not? I entered your mind, you entered my body. We each gave, and received, a gift of love.”

He really hadn’t thought of it that way. Consumed by confusion and shame, he had only seen his own failing abilities to give pleasure. "You make it sound so simple."

"Because it is." Spock loosened his hold, one hand resting against Kirk's chest.

"No, it's not. I get pleasure from the melds. How much pleasure did you get from what I did to you last night?"

"What I felt had nothing to do with desire, or pleasure, in the sense that I understand you to mean. But I felt...something. Something good." He groped for words to make his bondmate, his now lover, understand. "It is difficult to explain. It is a closeness to you that even the meld does not provide." He firmed his hand over Kirk's heart. "I feel you next to me, the rhythm that is your life-force, and I remember that same pulse as you entered me. It is a comfort I have never known before. Can you understand, and accept that our lovemaking is a gift beyond price?"

Kirk turned, taking the Vulcan in his embrace. “God, I'd love to be able to. You make it sound so right, and I sure the hell can’t argue with your logic.” He looked up into the face of his bondmate. “Okay, we’ll give it a try. I don’t seem to be able to fight this, anyway.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk. Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Uhura’s voice filled the cabin.

“Damn, what now?” Kirk pulled away from the warm embrace and padded over to the intercom, switching it to voice only.

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, there’s a emergency communication from Starbase Ten. It’s Admiral Komack, Sir.”

The slight hesitation in Uhura’s voice made Kirk wince. She must have tried his cabin first and had only gone ship wide when she couldn’t reach him. He could imagine what certain people would make of this. “Give me ten minutes and then patch in down to my cabin. Kirk out.” He turned, gathering up his clothes. “Just what I need. Wonder what the old...I wonder what he wants.”

Spock rose, helping Kirk find the rest of his quickly discarded attire from the night before. “It is difficult to say. Admiral Komack has never followed a logical pattern in his dealings with you. It is as if he has a hidden agenda.”

“He hates me. There’s nothing hidden about that.” Kirk groused. “Well, let me go get that and I guess I might as well get ready. Meet you in about ninety minutes?”

“I shall be ready.”

^^^^^

The scowl on Kirk’s face as he walked out of his cabin, kept Spock from speaking as they met and proceeded to the turbolift. The doors closed on them, his captain’s preoccupation undiminished.

“Captain?” Spock finally inquired.

Kirk looked up, only now really aware of his first officer. “Sorry, Spock. Looks like we’re going to have another guest. Komack wants a ride to some conference on Axanar and the Enterprise has been ‘volunteered’.”

“What of the expedition?”

“They’re going to be delayed. I’ve already notified the bridge of the course change. We're on our way to Starbase Ten to pick him up. It’s going to put us about a week behind schedule. Damn, those scientists are going to love this.”

“Does Starfleet know of the change in our orders?”

“Yeah, I checked. Komack must have pulled some major strings for this. I wish I knew what he was up to.” Kirk leaned against the turbo wall, rubbing his hands over his face. “God, I’m tired.”

“It is the aftereffect of the meld.”

Kirk gave him a puzzled look. “It’s never done this before. I always felt, I don’t know, refreshed, afterwards.”

Spock blushed, slightly. “Other than our initial bonding, we have never melded so deeply before. Also, the physical aspect of our joining...”

It was Kirk’s turn to blush. He was saved from further comment as the turbo came to a halt, the doors opening to a waiting crew member. They exited, making their way to the dining room. McCoy was already there, his habitual bowl of, whatever that stuff was, steaming before him. Their breakfasts chosen, they started toward the doctor at their regular table.

McCoy looked up, eyeing the two men walking toward him. “’Morning Jim, Spock. Uhura finally find you?” The doctor inquired, giving Kirk an innocent look.

Both men sat, throwing a glance at each other.

“Yeah, new orders.” Kirk dug into his food, hunger another ‘aftereffect’ of the night before.

“You’d better watch that, Jim. Your weight’s fine right now, but you know it doesn’t take much for it to get away from you,” McCoy chastised, eyeing the tray next to his.

Kirk shot McCoy a dirty look. “Don’t nag, Doctor. I’d appreciate eating a meal in peace once in a while.”

“We have been ordered to divert to Starbase ten. Admiral Komack wishes to be transported to a conference on Axanar.” Spock intoned.

“Komack, huh?” McCoy gave Kirk a speculative look, not giving his full attention to the Vulcan across the table. “Starbase Ten’s a little out of our way, isn’t it?”

“Indeed, but the Admiral has permission from Starfleet. Our arrival on M-113 will be delayed seven point two three days.”

“You look tired, Jim. Up late?” McCoy knew that the captain had had a date with the lovely Irene Norton the night before. Maybe Kirk was coming out of his...McCoy wasn’t sure what to call it. Seclusion? No, that wasn’t it. Withdrawal? Maybe.

“Yeah, up late.” Kirk kept his eyes on his plate, seemingly content to let Spock take the brunt of his early morning ramblings.

“So, how long we sticking around once we get to M-113?” McCoy would have preferred never seeing the place again, but orders were orders. He’d just have to grin and bear it.

“A day or two. Starfleet doesn’t want any more trouble. Once we’re sure they’ll be okay, we can leave. Don’t worry, Bones. I don’t want to be there any more than you do.” Kirk glanced up as more people entered the room.

"What's the matter, Jim?" McCoy turned to see Matheson and Irene Norton at the coffee servers. “Tom, over here.” He called out, motioning the doctors over. He didn’t notice the sudden tightness in his captain or the look of concern from the first officer.

After grabbing some coffee, the two took the seats next to Spock. Matheson looked at Kirk, a lazy smile on his face. “Good morning, gentlemen. I hope you slept well.” He continued to stare at Kirk, his gaze only moving on after he saw discomfort mar the handsome face. "I hear it's going to take longer to get to our destination."

McCoy didn't know why he had called the two over. Maybe he wasn't quite over being mad at Jim, after all. He didn't understand the tenseness radiating from his friends, either. "You heard about that, huh?" He directed his attention to the two scientists.

"Yeah, news travels fast. I hope this doesn't put us too far behind schedule."

The conversation died, leaving only an awkward silence. McCoy noticed Irene's single-minded interest in Kirk, and the fact that his captain refused to look her way. He didn't understand what was going on, and it made him angry. What the hell was Jim's problem, anyway? "Any plans for the rest of your stay with us, Irene?"

“I’m sorry, what was that, Doctor?” She pulled her attention away from Kirk, turning to McCoy with as much interest as she could muster.

“I wondered how you would manage to pass all the extra time on the ship.”

Confused, she turned to Matheson. “What extra time?”

“Pay attention, my dear. Some hotshot admiral needs a lift. It seems we’re going along for the ride.” He grinned at her, knowingly.

“Oh, well, I guess I’ll need someone to keep me occupied. Care to volunteer for the job, Captain?” She lay her hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

“I...if duty permits, Miss Norton.” Kirk pulled his arm slowly back, as from an unwelcome touch. He looked at Spock, pushing himself away from the table and standing. “Speaking of duty. I think it’s about time to head for the bridge. Coming, Spock?”

The Vulcan rose, taking his place next to Kirk without a word. Their sudden and abrupt departure leaving a puzzled group of doctors.

“Is something wrong with the captain, Dr. McCoy?” Matheson asked.

“No, not that I’m aware of. He’s probably just preoccupied.” McCoy tried to hide his own confusion. He could have sworn that Kirk had found Irene desirable, but he had left like a bat out of hell as soon as the woman had touched him. “Come on, I promised you two a copy of my notes from M-113. Let’s head up to Sickbay.”

^^^^^

“Finally. I didn’t think we’d ever get through them.” Kirk dropped the last tape into his file. He and Spock had spent the last two days doing quarterly reports, and with a heartfelt sigh he leaned back, watching the Vulcan meticulously sort his tapes and place them in their designated holders.

“You do that quite well.” He smiled at his friend, the teasing note in his voice bringing a similar response from the Vulcan.

“I endeavor to be thorough.” Spock finished and walking over to the counter, poured two drinks. He returned to his chair and handing one to Kirk, lifting his in salute. “To a duty completed.”

Kirk laughed and took a swallow. The brandy slid down smoothly, starting a warm glow in his gut. “Perfect. Did I ever tell you you stock a great bar?”

They sat in silence, each savoring their drink. They had long shared this affinity that allowed these times of quiet sharing, but had anyone ever had such a soul fulfilling bond? Spock wondered. He watched as Kirk shuffled off his captainly demeanor, becoming the loving bondmate as he stretched back in his chair, totally at ease. The human’s eyes had slowly closed and Spock took the opportunity to study the man. He knew that Kirk had been glad for the distraction of their work, both from their own relationship, and the attentions of Miss Norton. That in itself was puzzling. Kirk had never been one to deny himself the company of a desirable woman. And she was interested in Kirk, that much was obvious. The few times Spock had seen them together, the woman had seemed totally enraptured, her delight in the captain’s company evident. Not at all the calculated seduction they had been warned about. Perhaps Mark was in error.

In any event, the changes wrought by the bond seemed to go deeper than he would have imagined, though he had never heard of the symptoms manifesting themselves in Kirk. Because Vulcan and human needs were so very different, it was difficult to foretell what would happen within either of them. He himself felt them going on in his own mind and body. Their physical joining two nights before had been most pleasant. He had thought to merely tolerate the feel of Kirk entering him, the human’s caresses only accepted as duty. Instead, he had found in it a joyous closeness. It was not desire, of that he was sure. But could it become so? He hoped so, for both their sakes. For now, perhaps there was something he could do to alleviate at least part of Kirk’s distress.

“You are fatigued.” Spock leaned forward, taking the now empty glass from Kirk’s hand.

“Just a little.” Kirk sat quietly as Spock picked up after them. He really should be getting to his own cabin. It was almost twenty three hundred hours and they’d be picking up Komack soon after their shift began. But he really didn’t feel like going. He was relaxed and happy, here in the warmth and familiarity of Spock’s cabin. When the Vulcan took his hand and led him toward the sleeping area, he gave no protest.

Kirk undressed and lowering himself onto the bed, closing his eyes and listening to Spock's movements as the Vulcan removed his own clothes. After a few minutes, he felt the bed dip as Spock slid in next to him. What would be the harm? He was sufficiently tired to know that sleep was what he really craved, and was surprised when he was taken into the Vulcan’s arms, soft kisses rained on his face. “What are you doing?”

Spock continued the kisses down Kirk’s body, moving lower as he ran his hands over the compact form, as if exploring some new world. “I had hoped, giving you pleasure?” The Vulcan lifted his head, curious. “Am I not doing it correctly?”

Kirk opened his eyes brought his hand to Spock’s face, holding it gently. “You’re doing it great. But why? I don’t expect this, you know.”

Spock puzzled for a moment before answering. “It pleases me.” He seemed as surprised as Kirk.

“Does it?” Kirk allowed hope to grow. “Do you...do you want me to...?”

“No. I enjoy touching you. Is this not enough?”

Kirk swallowed his disappointment. “I guess it’ll have to be. I’m sorry, Spock. That didn’t come out the way I meant.” The hurt in his bondmate’s eyes made him realize that they both had a great deal to come to terms with. “Please, touch me.”

He guided the Vulcan’s hands over his body, letting him know what he liked, what felt good. When his cock was enveloped in the hot moisture of Spock’s mouth, he almost came up off the bed, only the strength of the hands on his hips holding him down.

“Yes, right there, just like that.” Kirk panted the words out, his world narrowing to the sensations Spock was drawing from him. He glanced down, almost coming from the sight of his bondmate sucking him, the Vulcan’s lips wrapped firmly around his organ, the dark cap of hair rising and falling over his groin. “Oh god, yes. Yes.” He hissed and brought his hands down, holding Spock there as his cock was pulled in and out of the fiery wetness. So close to the brink, the invasion of the warm finger into his anus pushed him over the edge. “Oh god, Spock!” He cried out the Vulcan’s name as his body exploded into orgasm, the light touch on his face as Spock’s fingers settled into the meld almost lost to him in the maelstrom of his physical release.

They returned to full consciousness, the Vulcan's head resting on Kirk's chest.

“Damn.” Kirk pulled the Vulcan up, resettling them in an embrace. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“I have studied all the anatomical reactions produced by the human body,” Spock replied, lazily. He snuggled deeper into his bondmate’s arms.

“Anatomical reactions, huh?” Kirk kissed the top of the Vulcan’s head, and then lay quietly as he heard Spock’s breathing even out. “Can I ask you something?”

“You may ask anything you wish.” The Vulcan responded, already almost half asleep.

“You know, when I first started feeling this, I was so afraid of how you’d react. When we had that conversation during...during your ‘time’, you were so embarrassed. I figured this,” Kirk stretched his arm out, motioning over their entwined bodies, “wouldn’t be something you could handle. But you act like it’s no big deal.”

Spock raised himself up on an elbow. “Jim, my distress over pon farr, and our conversation at that time, had nothing to do with the sexual aspects of the situation. It would not be logical for me to be embarrassed by the physical act that ensures the survival of my people.” He hesitated, slightly. “It is the loss of control, the madness that overcomes us at that time, that we are reluctant to speak of. That it is a part of our reproductive biology has created the misconception that it is sex we find difficult to deal with. It is not.”

“No kidding.” Kirk pulled the Vulcan down, cradling him against his side. He felt Spock slip into sleep, though his own troubled thoughts kept him from following. He pondered his inability to just accept what was between them. It had felt so good, so much like making love as opposed to having sex. He knew Spock loved him, and he would give anything if that was enough, if Spock’s pleasure in touching him, in being touched, could replace his need to feel desire from the Vulcan. It was a fine line between the two, and more than he had ever dreamed of getting. But he knew himself well enough to know that without true desire, he would never be able to totally enjoy the relationship. That scared him more than anything. Out of insecurity, vanity, or plain old humanness, he could destroy all they were to each other.

^^^^^

Their pickup of Admiral Komack went pretty much the way Kirk had expected, and from his first few minutes on board, the man had made it his personal mission to make life unpleasant for him. His offer of a tour of the ship was summarily rejected with a ‘I’ve been on a starship before, Kirk. They all look the same.’ It had gone downhill from there.

He sighed as he watched Komack regale Irene Norton with another of his old and trite stories of past glory. He’d thought the idea of a social gathering a good one at the time, but as the hours crept by, he wondered how he could have been so mistaken.

“Looks like you’ve got some competition, Jim. What are you going to do about it?” McCoy lounged at their table, drink in hand.

“Dr. Norton seems to have made the decision for me, Bones.” Kirk glanced back at the couple across the room. This was the answer to his prayers. So why did he feel so rotten about it?

“It’s not like you to give up so easy. What’s the problem?”

“No problem. Just can’t win them all.”

“Wanna make a bet? Every beautiful woman that boards this tub always seems to end up in your bed...at least ‘til now.”

Kirk grimaced. “I’m not that bad, Doctor. Anyway, she’s a grown woman. She can make up her own mind.” He continued to watch the two, wondering at this sudden inability to know his own mind. He had never been one for introspection, and this was getting ridiculous. He smiled when Irene caught his eye for a moment, but then her attention was drawn back to Komack. It was with a certain amount of relief that he saw Spock enter the room and head toward their table.

“Captain, I’ve just been informed that we will be passing through the ion storm we have been monitoring in seventeen point three minutes. I thought it advisable to...”

“To make sure the Admiral is given fair warning? Go ahead, Spock.” Kirk looked back at the group now surrounding Komack. He smiled. “Though it’d be fun to watch...”

“I shall go inform him, immediately.” Spock gave his bondmate a reproachful look before heading across the room.

Kirk watched as Spock approached the Admiral. It was apparent that Komack didn’t appreciate the interruption as he impatiently cut through the Vulcan’s attempt at explanations. Finally, he seemed to understand the situation, and turned to glare at Kirk.

“Looks like there’s going to be trouble.” McCoy warned, as Komack started toward them. Spock followed behind him, taking his place at his captain’s side as Kirk rose to meet them.

“Just how bad is this, Kirk?” Komack demanded, deliberately towering over Kirk.

“It’s a minor storm, Admiral. We just thought you should be warned so any jolts the ship takes won’t be a surprise. I really don’t expect anything heavy. We’ve been monitoring...”

“I don’t want to hear any of your excuses, Captain. I should have been informed of this when you first became aware of it. I know you think you own this ship, but I’m here to tell you, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“I don’t think that, sir. My duty—”

“You’re duty is to follow orders. I want a full report in one hour, Mister. And it better show that everything has been taken care of a lot more conscientiously than you’ve bothered to be so far.”

The room had gone quiet at the first sign of trouble, all eyes on the two men. Kirk held himself rigid, keeping his anger in check. “I’ll have it in your room in one hour, Admiral. Will there be anything else, sir?”

Komack gave a smile of satisfaction. He had brought the boy-hero down a peg or two. “That should do it, Kirk. One hour.” He turned and walked back to the woman waiting for him.

“Captain?” Concern shone from the Vulcan, seeing the tightness in Kirk’s whole demeanor.

“I’m all right, Spock. I should have seen it coming, anyway.” He turned to McCoy. “Looks like the night’s over for me. Think you can handle things here?”

“It’ll be fine. You sure you’re okay? That man...”

“Doesn’t affect me as much as he thinks. Come on, Spock. You can help with the report.” He gathered up the Vulcan, taking his leave of the guests as they made their way from the room.

^^^^^

The entire ship was kept busy, trying to deal with Komack's constant demands. Their only relief had come from his obvious interest in Irene, and he could usually be found with her or Matheson, who the admiral had seemed to strike up a friendship with. That was fine with Kirk. It had allowed him time with Spock, as they somewhat hesitantly explored the new, sexual side of their relationship. Or at least, he did. Something he tried not to think about as he sat in the command chair, trying to keep his attention centered on the report before him. He didn’t notice the turbo deposit its passengers until the feeling of being watched became too great. He looked up to find Irene Norton standing at his side, a look of pleasure mixed with annoyance marring her face. “Are you avoiding me, Captain?”

“By no means, Miss Norton. Duty before pleasure, always.” He slid into autopilot, his charm natural. “I’m looking forward to furthering our friendship as soon as possible.”

“Do you always run this sloppy a bridge, Kirk?

He turned to find Komack on his other side, the admiral in his usual state of pique. “I’m sorry, Admiral. What seems to be the problem?”

“I want to send a message to Starfleet. Seems that’s beyond your communications officer’s abilities.”

“This particular area of space creates a great deal of interference. We should be through in...how long, Spock?” He looked over to the science console, hoping Spock would pick up on his plea for help.

The Vulcan stood and proceeded to the center seat. “Eleven point four minutes, Captain.” He turned to Komack. “If you wish, Admiral, I can make sure it is sent at that time. There would be no need for you to be further inconvenienced.”

Komack favored him with a disgusted look, his distrust of the Vulcan plain. “That’s all right Mr. Spock. I’ll see to it. Gives me a reason to stick around for awhile, check up on things.”

“Very well, sir.” Spock turned his attention to Kirk. “Captain, if you recall, Mr. Scott wished to go over our revised schedule with you. I believe he was most adamant about the time.”

He gave the Vulcan a grateful look. “You’re right, Mr. Spock. I’m going right now.” Rising, he nodded to the Admiral as he made his way out, trying to hide his relief.

“Mind some company?” Irene followed him, her previous companion forgotten.

He glanced at Spock and Komack. It didn’t look like there’d be any trouble, so he hooked her arm in his, turning them both to the exit. “I’d be honored.”

“So, have you been avoiding me?” She asked. They were the only two in the turbo.

“Would you blame me if I was? That was quite a show you gave my science officer.” He had been too relieved to think about it at the time, but things didn’t add up. He didn’t like the position he was in, and being in the dark didn’t help his disposition any.

“Did it bother you, him seeing me like that? It didn’t seem to phase him at all.”

Kirk smiled fondly. “Spock’s like that. Something is either very important, or of no importance at all. Your state of undress didn’t affect him, so it didn’t disturb him.”

“How did it affect you?”

What could he say? As the turbo stopped and opened to a corridor filled with people, they stepped out and around the waiting crew members and proceeded down to Engineering.

“Well? Are you going to answer me?” Irene grabbed at Kirk’s arm, trying to slow down the pace he had set.

He turned to her, torn between anger and embarrassment. “Why are you asking now? I thought you were enjoying your time with Admiral Komack.”

She looked around, her steps faltering. “Isn’t there somewhere we could talk? Privately?”

He grimaced. He really didn’t want to get into this. Finally he guided her to a nearby conference room. They entered and he sat against the table, arms tensed against its edge. “Okay. I guess we need to clear the air.”

She stood next to him, her gaze drifting over his body, well aware of what an exceedingly good looking man he was. “I can tell that things aren’t too friendly between you and Komack. He has made that perfectly clear. But I’d like to make clear to you that my dealings with Komack are strictly professional.”

Kirk’s eyebrows rose in frank disbelief. “No offense, but you’ve spent an awfully lot of time with him for it to be ‘strictly professional’. The other night, you couldn't have been dragged away.”

“It’s...necessary. We all do things we don’t want to. Haven’t you? For your ship? Your career? It’s the same thing.” She waved her hand in negation. “Anyway, that’s not what I really wanted to discuss. What I’d like to know is if I’m going to get to spend any time with you.”

“Irene, I really don’t think...”

“I’d really like to.” She closed in, standing only inches away, her hands coming to rest on his chest. “I think it could be really good between us.”

Damn. He didn’t know how to get out of this, didn’t know if he really wanted to. He grabbed her gently by the shoulders. “Listen, I really have to go. But, how about dinner tomorrow night? Komack will be gone and it’ll just be better all the way around.”

She smiled up at him, her expression caught between beguiling and sincere. “I’d like that. I’ve really missed you. The few minutes we’ve had together just aren’t enough.”

“It’s a date, then?” He leaned down and kissed her, a slight touch of lips on lips.

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” She drew away, stopping only long enough for a goodbye wave as she left the room.

Kirk sat for awhile, wondering how things had ended up the way they had. He hadn’t planned on spending any more time with her. It was an old habit that just didn't seem to want to die, but it only complicated even more an already complicated situation. He sighed and standing, headed for the door. It was going to be a long week.

^^^^^

“So, how are things coming with the inestimable Admiral Komack?" Matheson brought his arms up, crossing them behind his head and resting against them. The bed was small, but they managed. “He’s totally smitten with you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Hmm.” Irene smiled lazily, still caught in the afterglow of their lovemaking. At least, she tried to pretend it was lovemaking. She had long ago realized that Tom was incapable of the emotion and had smothered her own feelings at their birth. Loving Tom would be dangerous, and ultimately, futile. Kirk on the other hand... She had found herself really enjoying their time together and had been upset at the switch in plans that had necessitated her spending her time with Komack. But like all scientists, she understood the need to constantly secure funding. Friends in high places always helped.

“Irene, don’t go getting any ideas.” He laughed at her look of startled look. “I know you too well, my dear. I can tell what’s bouncing around in that devious little mind of yours.”

“And what’s that?” She sat up, pulling the sheet over herself to settle comfortably against the pillows.

“You’re getting greedy. They’re dropping off Komack tomorrow morning and you’re thinking that now you can get back to the charming Captain Kirk.”

"Don't be ridiculous." He had insisted that she redirect her attentions to Komack. It had never occurred to her that it might be because he had become aware of her growing attachment to Kirk. That he might be jealous...

He turned, watching her closely. “I’ve let you have him all to yourself up ‘til now, but I do want my fair share. Next time, I’d better be in on it.”

“I told you, nothing’s happened.” She frowned. “And I don’t understand why not. I know he’s attracted to me, but every time we’re alone he manages to find an excuse to cut things short. Maybe I’m losing my touch.”

“I doubt that. Komack sure was taken it, the old goat. I should have known he would want you. He and my dad used to go out all the time. They both still think they’re irresistible to women. I hope to god I never get like that. You will tell me, won’t you? Let me know when I’m making a fool of myself?”

“I don’t think it will be a problem,” she teased. “You’ll probably be shot by an irate husband, or wife, long before then.” She studied the man lying next to her. It would be so easy. And so self destructive. She turned her thoughts back to Kirk. He had promised to have dinner with her tomorrow. She smiled. She really did like him. He was almost courtly in his behavior. She was discovering that there was more to the man than first met the eye. He knew that he was good looking, but somehow, had kept from letting that become who he was. Was it so surprising that she would wish for more than the physical gratification each would expect from the other? She had noticed, especially with his first officer, he had a gentleness about him. From that embarrassing encounter at her cabin door, Kirk had shown that the Vulcan meant a great deal to him. In fact, it suddenly occurred to her, they seemed to never be far from each others’ side. “Tom, do you think that Kirk might have someone?”

“One of his crew? I doubt it. That’s definitely frowned upon. Can’t be fraternizing with the help. Bad for morale, or some such nonsense. Why?”

“I was just thinking. He and his first officer. What’s his name?”

“Commander Spock?”

“Yes, him. Every time I’ve seen them together it’s like there’s something...I don’t know, a closeness. Something.”

Matheson lay back down, pondering the information. “I don’t know. I didn’t think Vulcan’s were like that. Besides, I’ve never heard that Kirk was interested in men. Wouldn’t that be a joke on me? Here I’m planning to introduce him to the joys of, shall we say, submission, and he might already be a charter member.” He laughed. “Maybe I should ask Pat or Sean if they’ve been approached by him. He sure hasn’t approached me, and believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Don’t be crude. Besides, I don’t know for sure. It was just a thought." Not a very pleasant one, she had to admit. " I’m probably wrong, anyway.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. If it’s true, it might be something we could use further on down the road. I’m sure Komack, for one, would be very interested in that little bit of information. He really hates Kirk. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to listen to him go on about the man.”

“No kidding. I’ve had to listen to him rake him over the coals more than once. He’s really quite an unpleasant man. I’m glad he’s leaving.” She settled back, fitting herself against her bed mate. She didn’t want to think about Komack, or the disquieting notion that Kirk might be interested in his first officer. “I’m tired. If you want me fresh for the captain, I’d better get some sleep.”

He pulled her close, his arms holding her possessively.

^^^^^

Kirk punched at his pillow trying, for not the first time, to get comfortable and release his anger at the same time. He glared at the door that led to Spock’s quarters. Damn Vulcan. No, that wasn’t fair. Spock was no more to blame for this mess than he was. No less, either. He turned again, fighting with the sheets entangled about his legs. It was almost four hundred hours and if he had gotten two hours of sleep, he’d be surprised. He just couldn’t stop thinking about the disaster that had been his and Spock’s evening together. With Komack leaving the next day, he had thought things would finally start looking up, but he couldn’t remember a time when they had been so close to tearing apart the life they had built around each other.

 

“A little lower, Spock.” Kirk relaxed into the heat of Spock’s touch as he worked on his back. After three days of Komack’s relentless attacks, Kirk’s nerves were to the breaking point and hours of holding himself rigidly in control had taken their toll.

“It is well that the Admiral is leaving in the morning. I do not believe the ship could have kept functioning under such duress for much longer.” Spock bore into the human’s muscles, eliciting grunts of pain and relief.

“The ship? Don’t be tactful, first officer. You mean me.” Kirk grinned, ruefully. “I guess I have been pretty uptight. Between Komack’s never-ending complaints and my unresolved sex...” He forced a cough, trying to cover up his slip.

Spock’s hands stopped and the Vulcan came around to sit before Kirk. “We need to speak of it, Jim.”

Kirk stood up, pacing to hide his nervousness. “What’s to discuss? We’ve already said everything that needs to be said.”

“No, we have not.” Spock followed Kirk’s movements across the room. “Jim, please. Can you not sit down?”

Kirk reclaimed his seat at the foot of the bed, uncomfortably aware that he could not meet the Vulcan’s eyes. “All right. Say what you want to say.”

Spock sighed. “T’hy’la, I understand that your lack of response to Miss Norton is distressing. And though I do not understand why this is happening to you, I am aware that my lack of response has only exacerbated the problem.”

“Do you, Spock? Can you? I hardly understand it myself. When we bonded, I was so sure that whatever happened, we’d be able to handle it. But after the last few nights, I’m not so sure anymore.” The silence was almost deafening. Kirk looked up into eyes filled with sorrow and fear.

“What are you saying?” Spock’s voice was a hoarse whisper.

“I’m not saying anything. Well, maybe I am. I don’t know.” He shot up again, unable to sit still while his mind raced with all the ways this could end. “I only know I can’t go on like this. You say you understand, but I don’t see how. You don’t want me, at least not the way I want you to. And I don’t seem able to want anyone else anymore.”

"You seemed to enjoy our time together. Was I in error?"

There was such pain in Spock's voice, it made Kirk realize that Spock would have done just about anything to keep him happy, even submit to his sexual advances. It made him feel even worse. "You know I did. And that's part of the problem. Every time we've been together, I've vowed to myself that it would be the last. That I have to stop using you that way. But you're almost like a drug to me, Spock."

"Then I am the problem?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's just...I want someone that wants me, too. The way Irene wants me. But I can't with her, and I don't know why."

“I do not understand.” Spock’s voice was edged with anger, the resentment he felt at Kirk’s insistence on belaboring the point growing. “Surely the ability to penetrate a woman can not be as important as our lives together. It is easily done. The body can be commanded to—”

“Wait a minute!” Kirk’s pacing stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at the Vulcan. “Can you? Can you ‘command’ your body to...to get hard?”

“If by that you mean if I can have an erection at will, yes.” Spock pressed his lips together, his fear evident, as if realizing that somehow he had just lost a great deal of ground. “It means nothing. I have not done so with you because I believed you would not wish me to.”

“You’re right.” Kirk’s voice was low, his demeanor calm, but the first tendrils of real resentment were beginning to work their way through his consciousness. “But if you wanted to, you could. Is that right?”

“Jim—”

“Is that right, Spock?”

“Yes.” It was barely audible.

“Then I don’t want to hear about you ‘understanding.’" Kirk laughed bitterly. “Dear god. What the hell have I gotten myself into?” He walked toward the counter. “I need a drink.”

Spock's gaze followed him. “It means nothing,” he repeated, as if unable to find the words he needed to set things right.

“Maybe not to you. It does to me.” He turned to the Vulcan, his gaze hard. “Any other surprises in store for me? How much more of myself do I lose before you’re satisfied?” He looked down, the anger draining away as he finally gave in to the fears that had haunted him. “I don’t think you understand at all what this has done to me. I never even looked at another man before, never felt desire for one. Now, that’s all I feel and it scares the hell out of me. I think if you felt the same way it wouldn't be so bad, as long as I knew we were in this together. I wouldn't feel so alone. But I do, I feel so alone. I think that's the worst part. I thought I could deal with it, with the changes, but I can’t seem to get by this.”

"You are not alone. I am here. I will always be here."

"Not in the way I need you to be."

“I...Jim, please. What is it you wish me to say? What is it you wish me to do?”

Kirk hesitated, but was unable to keep the damning words from slipping out. “Can the bond be broken?”

The Vulcan’s eyes closed. “Yes, if this is what you wish. We will have to go to Vulcan. The bond is new, but very deep. A healer will be needed.” His words were flat, no trace of the bitterness and regret that filled his heart. “If it is to be done, I suggest that we avoid further contact with each other for as much as is possible.” He stood up, his controls tight. “If you do not mind, Captain, I will bid you goodnight.”

 

Spock had left without another word. Once again, Kirk berated himself for words said in anger and fear. It had all happened so fast. He didn’t want the bond broken. At least, he didn’t think he did. He didn’t want to lose Spock, of that he was sure. What the hell was wrong with him? He had never had this kind of problem making decisions. He got up, resigned to the loss of sleep. Somehow, he needed to find a way out of the pit he had dug for himself. Until he did, he was no good to either of them.

^^^^^

Spock watched himself in the mirror, his hands moving in precision as he brushed his hair. Surprisingly, he looked the same. He hadn’t thought he would. As they had done through the night, his thoughts continued to spiral back to what was supposed to have been the rest of his life.

He had walked rigidly back to his cabin, giving in to his pain only once his door was firmly closed and locked. Even for Vulcans, there was a breaking point. The impending loss of a bondmate was considered sufficient cause. He couldn't remember how long he sat at his desk, staring at the bulkhead that separated his room from Kirk’s. Sometime during the long night he had undressed and, laying down on the bed, curled into a ball of misery and self loathing. He could not blame Jim for his reaction. It was his own greed that had caused this. Not content to have the human as friend, he had allowed a link to form, the first thread to bind Kirk to him for all time. Now he would pay the price.

He held his breath, willing away the pain that shot through him. From the very first he had felt an attraction to Kirk, his mind reaching for its perfect counterpoint. Bodily needs and desires had always been of lesser consideration, but to find a soul so completely attuned to his own had thrown Spock’s whole world into a struggle for equilibrium, with Kirk its new center. When he had first realized that they were linked, his life had taken on new meaning. To be forever a part of this golden being, to know the beloved mind, to have completion. Now it was all ashes.

When Kirk had asked if the bond could be broken, his world had shattered. But out of a soul deep need to continue to protect his t’hy’la, he had used an untold truth instead of a lie. He had not mentioned that, once it was broken, he would be unable to return to the Enterprise. The danger to both would be too great. And though for Kirk there would be a slight discomfort, for him, for him there would be an all encompassing pain as the roots of the bond were torn from his soul. If he was very lucky, he would not survive. As illogical as his hope for that was, it was all he had.

He put down his brush, straightening his tunic with a tug. He was still first officer of the Enterprise. For the days left, he would do his duty. He departed his cabin, his calm exterior hiding the soul-numbing pain within.

 

^^^^^

“So’d you see Komack off already?” McCoy eyed him from across the table.

“Yeah, first thing. God, Bones, I was never so glad to see anyone leave.” Kirk glanced up as another crewman entered the rec-room.

“You’ve been doing that since we got here. What’s up?”

“Nothing’s up. Can’t I just be curious?” Kirk took a drink of coffee, trying to hide his irritability.

“Hey, don’t bite my head off. I’m not the one hiding out in the labs.”

“What are you talking about?”

McCoy leaned back, his interest piqued. “I passed Spock on the way here. He’s had someone fill in for him on the bridge. He’s going to be helping Mark finish getting all their gear ready. We’ll be dropping them off tomorrow, you know.”

“I know, but that’s not Spock’s responsibility. They can get their own stuff ready.” He scowled into his cup. He should have known the Vulcan would pull something like this. _Well, you can’t hide forever, Spock._

“Maybe it's not. But what’s the harm? Hell, Christine’s down there, too. Not sure if it’s to help or so she can spend more time around that crazy Vulcan. No accounting for taste, I guess.” Suddenly, McCoy switched gears. “So, who you taking with you tomorrow?”

“You. Some from security. We’ll only be there a couple of days.”

“What about Spock?”

Kirk looked up, aware of the doctor’s probing. “What about Spock? He doesn’t have to go down every time I do. Besides, there’s no danger. This time, Starfleet’s made sure of that.”

“Never made any difference before. What was the fight about, anyway?”

“What fight? Damn it, McCoy. Can you be any less clear?”

“What fight. The one between you and your shadow. That’s the only time you get like this, Jim. Or hadn’t you noticed?” At Kirk’s silence and the lines of pain that crossed his face, concern broke through McCoy’s usual cynicism. “Hey, is everything okay? You don’t look so hot.”

“I’m fine.” Kirk stood up, taking a last swig of coffee. “Listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later.” He made his way to the bridge, his mind decks below. Perhaps it was better that they spend some time apart. He couldn’t think clearly about all this when Spock was around and that’s what he needed to do. He didn’t like the idea that Spock would be spending so much time with Mark Rennie, though. He pushed that thought resolutely away, fighting the instinctive jealously. It had never occurred to him to ask if it was only him in particular, or all men in general, that Spock felt no desire for. In any event, he’d give them both a few days. It was the least he could do before making a decision that could ultimately doom them both to a life alone.

^^^^^

“Tom, don’t be ridiculous. Jim is expecting me to be by myself. How am I going to explain bringing you along on a date?” Irene was aggressively brushing her hair. She was supposed to be at Kirk’s cabin at eighteen hundred hours. She glanced at the display. I was five ‘til.

“You’ll think of something.” Matheson walked up behind her, taking the brush and turning her towards him. “You don’t have a choice in the matter. I’m coming along. I’m going to make sure that everything goes as planned.”

“Why? You think I want him for myself, don’t you?” She glared defiantly. “Well, you’re wrong. He’s just another man.”

He grabbed her chin, tilting her face up as he studied her. “I don’t believe that for a second. I know you too well, Irene. You’re letting this man get to you, and I won’t have it. Tonight, Captain Kirk is going to be the entertainment for both of us.” He stepped away, pulling two pills from his pocket. He swallowed one before handing the other over to her. “Here. Take this.”

She took it from him, eying it warily. “What is it?”

“Just a little something I was given as a bonus. It’s supposed to really get you going. I’ve got one more for Kirk. That is, if you can manage to slip it to him.”

She turned away, pocketing the pill, suddenly overcome by how disturbing this all was. She was tired of it. Tired of games and tired of pretending. “How did it come to this, Tom? When did we get to the point that the only time we can have a good time is when we’re higher than kites?”

He grabbed her arm, roughly pulling her around. “What’s the matter? You think he’s going to marry you? Give up his ship for you? Don’t be stupid, Irene. Tonight, we’re going to go to Kirk’s cabin, and sometime tonight, we’re both going to take whatever we want from him. Let him fuck you, Irene. And then watch me fuck him. And then forget it, forget him.”

She stared at him, wondering how they had so completely lost their way. Slowly her defiance died. “All right. Let’s go.”

^^^^^

“I didn’t believe it was possible, but we did it.” Mark Rennie wiped his hands on the towel and tossed it back with the others. Everything was packed and in order, ready for their beam down in the morning.

“All the data you requested has also been downloaded. Your time on the planet should be most productive.” Spock finished fitting the discs into their holder and placed it with the rest. Helping with the final arrangements for the expedition had given him the needed distraction. He knew he should be preparing himself for what could be the end of his relationship with Kirk, but he stubbornly pushed that thought away. Not yet. Not yet.

Rennie watched him silently for a moment. Finally, he walked over and sat on the stool next to him. “Spock, I know it’s not my place, and if you want to tell me to mind my own business go ahead, but I couldn’t help but notice that, you seem kind of distracted. If there’s something I can do...”

Spock stared at Rennie, wondering how he had so utterly failed to hide the dissension in his soul. There had been an almost instant rapport between them, their character and attitudes similar. Perhaps. No, this was something he could share with no one. “I have been concerned about the captain.”

Rennie gave him an odd look. “Have my colleagues been giving him trouble?”

“No. Not, in any event, anything he can not deal with. He is a strong man. His ship is his first priority. He will allow nothing to interfere with that.” His ship, too. Would he lose both in one fell swoop?

“Spock,” Rennie leaned toward him, as if conscious of the others still gathering the last of their things, the last volunteers still cleaning up. “Would Kirk tell you if there had been trouble? How close are you two? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“We are...close. It is difficult for me to compare the relationship to another. I am not well versed in the intricacies of human interactions.”

Spock’s whole demeanor radiated distress, but oddly, Rennie seemed satisfied with the answer. “You know, I spent a few years on Vulcan a while back. You’d be surprised how not very differently we all handle the same stresses of life.” He laughed, ruefully. “It’s certainly helped me deal with my relationship with Thera, knowing that we’re really all very similar deep down inside. We had a hard time at the beginning, but love really does conquer all."

"I have heard this saying before. I am gratified that for you it has proven true."

"It wasn't easy. At times, it seemed like we were talking two different languages. I know it’s different for you and your captain, but I'll bet there's been times that you both thought you were talking about the same thing, and it turned out you weren't. Standard can be an imprecise language, sometimes.”

Spock didn’t answer. What was there to say? No, you’re wrong? I understand all too well? The odds are extremely high that I am going to lose my bondmate, my home, and that there is nothing I can do to stop it? He almost smiled at the thought. Such a baring of his soul was too alien to his nature, even though the relationships were more alike then Mark would ever realize. He turned to the man. “I am honored at your concern, but there is no need."

"So there's no problem? Every thing's okay?"

He wanted to lie to the man, tell him that everything was fine. But instead, he found himself letting the truth be told, somehow aware that Rennie already knew what it was they were really talking about. "What is, is. And I will do what I must.”

"I'm sure you will." Rennie smiled sadly.

“Mr. Spock?” Nurse Chapel had walked over, her bearing awkward, as if reluctant to talk to the Vulcan.

“Yes, Miss Chapel?” Spock straightened, once again the first officer of the ship.

“I was just paged by Dr. McCoy. He wants me to meet him in the captain’s cabin. There seems to have been some kind of accident or...”

Spock was out the door before the woman could finish.

^^^^^

Spock stood at the entrance to Kirk’s quarters, watching as Matheson was carried out on a gurney. The man was unconscious, his face a ghostly white. Irene Norton walked along side, worry and an infinite sadness marking her face. She glanced up as they passed the Vulcan but then hurriedly looked away. Spock easily set her from his mind as he entered the cabin to stand at Kirk’s side. The captain was sitting on a corner of his desk, shoulders slack, an almost defeated air about him.

“Captain?"

Kirk looked up, finally noticing Spock’s presence. He straightened his shoulders, shrugging off his fatigue. “I’m fine, Spock. Things just got out of hand.”

 _Out of hand? I was only going to be unfaithful, Spock. That’s all. But that wouldn’t have bothered you, anyway. Would it? And is it being unfaithful if you’re already talking about a 'divorce'?_

Silence descended, bringing an uncomfortable strain between them. “Do you wish me to stay?” Spock asked tentatively, his statement totally at odds with his declaration the night before.

“No...no, there’s no need.” Kirk stretched and stood up, pretending a nonchalance he didn’t feel. “I’ll be going to bed as soon as everyone clears out.”

“Very well, Captain. I will bid you goodnight.” Spock started to turn away, his pain at his rejection obvious to Kirk.

“Spock, wait.” Kirk grabbed the Vulcan’s arm, pulling him around. He hesitated, unsure of what he wanted to say. “Tomorrow, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Whatever you wish, Captain.”

“Don’t. Don’t be that way. I know there’s a lot we need to discuss. I just can’t. Not right now. Just give me a little more time. Okay?”

The Vulcan’s demeanor softened slightly. “I only desire your happiness, Jim.”

“Yeah.” Kirk stared at his first officer. _Desire. That’s what this all hinges on, doesn’t it? What do you desire?_ “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Spock nodded and started out. He had reached the doorway when a call from Kirk stopped him.

“We’ll be beaming down to the planet at oh nine hundred hours. Be ready.”

McCoy watched as the two men spoke. They kept their voices low, so his impressions were from body language only. But they was telling him that something was terribly wrong between them. He ambled over to Kirk as soon as Spock was gone. “I thought you weren’t taking him along.”

“I changed my mind.” Kirk didn't elaborate. “So what’s with Tom?”

“Overdose. He’s lucky to be alive. What happened, anyway? I thought you and Irene were supposed to have dinner together—alone.”

Kirk smiled bitterly. “I did, too. She showed up with him in tow. Said he wanted to talk to me and that it would only take a few minutes.” He stared at the bulkhead. “Seems he likes virgins.” He looked up at McCoy, and then ducked his head in embarrassment. “Irene was only the bait.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Not exactly, but Rennie had warned Spock about them, so I knew things weren’t totally on the up and up. I pretended to drink whatever it was they were trying to slip me, then acted drugged. When he tried to undress me...” Kirk looked down for a moment, color suffusing his face.

“You hit him?”

“Yeah. We got into a fight, sort of. But whatever that stuff is, it must have hit him fast because he started weaving, slurring his words. After a few minutes, he passed out. That’s when I called you.”

"Good thing you did." McCoy peered at his friend. Kirk was distracted, his mind obviously on something else. It didn't take a genius to figure out what—or who. "Jim?"

Kirk blinked, bringing his attention back to the doctor. "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

Kirk waved his friend's concern away. "I'm fine. What was it, anyway?"

“I’m not exactly sure. Some kind of derivative, what they call a designer drug. Not against the law because it hasn’t existed long enough to even have a name. You can’t make something illegal that you don’t even know about.”

“What about the expedition? Am I supposed to just pretend this didn’t happen? If it weren’t for Mark, that could be me in sickbay.”

“Well, like I said it’s not illegal, so you can’t press charges on that. And I assume you don’t want to charge him with attempted rape, do you?”

Kirk shook his head. “No. I think I can do without that. So he’s free? No repercussions at all?”

“Now, I didn’t say that, exactly. I’ll be sending a report to the Surgeon General’s office. They’re going to have to know about the drug in any event. It’s sure to makes its way to the expedition’s backers. I’d be surprised if Dr. Matheson is still there six months from now. Don’t worry, Jim. The man will get what’s coming to him.”

“Okay, but until then I guess we’ll have to make the best of things. Thank god we’re getting rid of them tomorrow, both of them.”

The room had cleared out, so McCoy took his leave. He still worried about Kirk. Something was bothering the man, and it didn’t take much to figure it had to do with Spock. Lately, everything led back to Spock where Kirk was concerned. McCoy figured he’d probably be up all night, checking on Matheson. Plenty of time to ponder the convoluted relationship between the captain and his first officer.

^^^^^

They beamed down the next morning, McCoy insisting on Chapel going along. He hadn’t got much sleep the night before and he needed the help. Matheson had come to soon enough, but the doctor felt another twenty four hours watch on him couldn’t hurt. The man had acted normal enough. Maybe, too normal. When he had berated him for the drugs, Matheson had shrugged and laughed it off. McCoy had the distinct impression though that the scientist was more worried than he led on.

The site from their last visit was just as he remembered it, the only difference the layer of dust that covered everything. Scientists and crew alike had set to work cleaning the place out, and after several hours it was looking livable again. McCoy knew that Kirk had ordered a couple of tents down for security, so it wouldn’t be too crowded. As he set up his medical instruments, he tried to mentally figure how they would all fit, anything to keep his mind off the effect this place had on him. Nancy Kramer’s body had been disinterred and returned to Earth after the disaster of three years ago, but her image seemed to always be just within his peripheral vision, haunting him. He couldn’t wait to get off the planet.

“Everything shipshape?” Kirk walked up to McCoy, wiping the dirt from his hands.

“Pretty much. Matheson seems fine now, but I’m keeping a close watch on him. Acts like nothing happened.” The doctor gave his patient, busily arranging equipment, a sour look.

“Did you know he talked to me this morning?”

McCoy was surprised. “No, I didn’t. What’d he say?”

“Tried to pretend it was all a misunderstanding. I went along with it. Not much I can do at this point. But I did let him know it wasn’t over yet. That Starfleet would probably have some questions of their own.” Kirk stretched, working the kinks out of his back. “Boy, I’m not used to all this manual labor. Listen, things are pretty much done here, so I’m taking a walk around the area, make sure every thing’s set up for tonight. Be back in a few hours.”

“I wouldn’t mind a break. Want some company?”

“No, not this time, Bones. I’ve got some things I need to discuss with Spock. I’ve commandeered him, so he’s waiting outside.”

“You two still fighting?” McCoy let his disgust at the situation show.

“We’re not fighting. Just a difference of opinion. We’ll work it out. I’ll see you later.” Kirk turned and headed out.

^^^^^

They walked a while in silence, neither willing to disrupt the uneasy peace between them. When Spock caught Kirk watching him, the human quickly looked away, returning his gaze to the landscape ahead. All morning he had waited for Kirk to come to him. Waited for the talk that would forever change his life. But it seemed that Kirk was just as reluctant to have the conversation as he was. If that was reason to hope, Spock refused its inviting appeal. It had taken him all night to achieve the calm he now so precariously wore. Anything that disrupted that calm was best ignored. They continued along, and after thirty minutes or so, found themselves at the familiar ruins of three years before, where, their friendship just beginning, they had fought side by side.

“Let’s sit for a while.” Kirk walked over to some haphazardly strewn slabs, seating himself on the alien ruins. He motioned for Spock to sit next to him.

Spock hesitated, still unsure of his captain’s motivations.

“That’s an order, Spock.”

Spock seated himself, uncomfortably aware of Kirk’s closeness. He rested his elbows on his slightly elevated knees, his hands automatically settling in their familiar clasped position.

The captain gazed off into the distance. “Do you remember the last time we were here? Of course you do, you remember everything.” He gave Spock a fond look. “I remember thinking that maybe we could be friends. You were barely beginning to open up to me. Not a lot, mind you,” He smiled, hesitantly. “Just enough to give me hope. Even then, I felt something between us, something different than anything I had ever had with anyone else.” Kirk quieted for a moment and then turned to face him. He wet his lips in a nervous gesture. “Spock, I...I’d like to apologize, first off, for the other night. I had no right to say the things I said.”

Spock stared forward, refusing to look at the man at his side. “There is no need to apologize, Captain. It was wrong of me to withhold the information.”

“No, Spock. No. You didn’t know, you couldn’t. It wouldn’t have made any difference, anyway.”

“I do not understand.”

“Last night I did some real soul searching. And I remembered something that I had probably deliberately forgotten, something that happened a long time ago.” Kirk's voice took an a wistful quality, as if in the telling, relived the encounter. “When I was about seventeen, right before I entered the academy, I had a good friend that I used to spend practically all my time with. We were very close, and I was really upset about having to be separated from him. Anyway, about a week before I was supposed to leave, we went out swimming at a pond on my family’s farm. Afterwards, we both lay out in the sun, just relaxing, enjoying the weather. Somehow, I...I remember lying there next to him, and realizing that I wanted to touch him, wanted him to touch me. We were both naked and I started getting an erection.”

Kirk faltered, swallowing hard before continuing. “I reached out and laid my hand on his chest. He just looked at me, like he didn’t know what I wanted. I guess I just figured he wanted me to make the first move, so I started my hand down his stomach, and before he could react, took hold of his...his penis. He pushed away from me and scrambled to his feet. He started yelling at me, calling me names.” Kirk shuddered visibly. “It hurt, and I was so humiliated. I never saw him again. I tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn’t even do that. It destroyed our friendship.

"After that, I never let myself feel that for another male. It's not that I didn't enjoy women. I did. A lot. It's just that that part of me, the part I had just discovered, got locked away, pushed out of sight. It's really kind of funny, because it turned out that Janice was right. I took up with her just a few years later, my first serious relationship. But it wasn't what I really wanted, not the relationship that would last the rest of my life.

"When this started between you and me, I think it just dredged up all those repressed feelings and memories. Hell, I even went along with the idea that the bond was to blame, that I would never have wanted you except for that. But when I realized that I did want you, but that you didn’t want me, I just couldn’t...I couldn’t handle it.”

Spock turned to look at the troubled human. So there was even more than he realized to the inevitability of their parting. He stiffened, preparing himself for the deadly blow. _Please, just say it. End this. Let me begin to get used to the aloneness I am being forced to return to._

“Last night, I was planning to, well, you know what I was planning. On top of everything else, I refused to imagine not being able to perform. I resented the fact that you could. Strike that. I resented the fact that you could with anyone else, that you still might want to with someone else. And to be perfectly honest, it hurt that it didn’t seem to matter to you that I would be unfaithful.” He shook his head when Spock started to interrupt. “Oh, I know what you said. It didn’t matter. But it mattered to me. And even though now I’m pretty sure that my own confusion and guilt was causing my impotence with Irene, all I could think about was that I wasn’t really pleasing anyone. You didn’t want that with me, but I couldn’t give it to anyone else.”

“You please me.” Spock spoke softly, pain edging the words.

“Do I?” Kirk took Spock’s hands, breaking them from their tight clasp. He held them in his, pulling the Vulcan’s attention firmly on him. “Then, I’d like to make a pact with you.” He swallowed, nervously. “I promise to try and live with the way things are between us if you promise to stay with me, always.”

“Jim?” Spock could only stare at first, the enormity of his relief swamping all other reactions. Finally, he pulled his hands from Kirk’s and entwined his arms around the human’s waist. “I could never leave you.”

Kirk brought his arms up and around Spock’s neck, pulling them even closer. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never wanted the bond broken. This is just all so new, Spock. I still don’t know how to react, how to feel. But I do know,” he pulled back, looking into Spock’s eyes, “that I love you. That I want us together.”

“That is all I have ever wanted, t’hy’la,” Spock whispered and then pulled Kirk to him once more. He had believed he would never again hold the human in his arms. The jolt that ran through his body startled him, and he quickly threw up his shields. He refused to contemplate the idea that anything else would disturb their newfound contentment.

They sat for awhile, holding each other, the silence broken only by the occasional murmured word or soft caress. The wind kicked up, bringing a slight chill as the sky darkened toward sunset.

“We should be getting back. Bones is probably ready to send out the cavalry.” Kirk disengaged himself from Spock’s arms, becoming the captain once again. “I’ve had the tents we brought set up about a hundred yards from the original site. Security will use two, so that leaves one for us. Bones and Chapel can stay inside with the rest. Think you could handle sharing a tent with your captain, First Officer?”

Spock lifted an eyebrow, his whole demeanor one of renewed peace. “I do not believe that will be a problem. I happen to be on very good terms with my captain.”

Kirk laughed. “Come on. It’s about dinner time and I’m starved.”

^^^^^

They walked back in companionable silence, their hands slightly touching from time to time. The turmoil they encountered as they entered the building was in stark contrast to their own quiet contentment.

“I don’t care what you thought, Matheson. I’d better not find anything new in your bloodstream.” McCoy glared at his patient as he ran his scanner over the man’s body.

“What’s the problem, Bones?” Kirk’s smile faded as the doctor turned his way.

“Nothing. Just making sure that nothing goes wrong before we leave this god forsaken planet.” Exasperation made his tone biting. He didn’t like the idea of having to play nursemaid to Matheson. Didn’t like ignoring what the man had tried to do to Kirk. And especially, didn’t like the idea of having to spend the night crowded in with seven other people. He wanted off this planet, the sooner the better.

Kirk looked from the doctor to the two scientists. Irene had come to Matheson’s side, giving silent support to her lover. Giving them a disgusted look, he turned away, walking off with Spock to sit at the table set for their meal. Everyone else was quietly eating, tensions too near the surface. Filling their own bowls from the pot of soup set in the middle of the table, the two men ate silently.

“I know you can’t wait to leave, but I for one will be sorry to see you go.” Rennie was just finishing up, a cup of coffee nestled in his hands.

Kirk looked up from his bowl. “How do you manage it? Putting up with those two, I mean.”

Rennie shrugged. “For whatever reason, they’ve always left me alone. I think I fulfill an entirely different need of theirs. In any event, they’re both excellent researchers. Methodical and believe it or not, sometimes brilliant. Especially Tom.” He hesitated “I know what happened.” At Kirk’s blush, he shook his head. “Don’t worry, Captain. No one else does. I can imagine what you think of him. I guess I would, too. But try to keep in mind that sometimes people have things inside that...well, not everything is as it appears.”

“I can see no reason for Dr. Matheson’s contemptible behavior. Surely, someone as intelligent as he...” Spock interjected.

“Sometimes intelligence doesn’t have anything to do with it.” Kirk sighed. “Anyway, I’d rather not discuss it. We’ll be gone tomorrow and that’ll be the end of it.”

“Not a minute too soon for me.” McCoy pulled up a chair next to Kirk. “Jim, how come Christine and I have to sleep in here tonight?" He reached over, ladling out a large serving. "There’s plenty of room in the tent.”

“If anything goes wrong with Matheson, I want you here. I don’t need any last minute complications.”

“He’s fine. Security checked everything. There aren’t any more drugs, so nothing’s going to happen.”

“I’m not taking any chances. You two are staying in here tonight. That’s the end of it, Bones.” Kirk gave McCoy a hard look.

“That’s just great. Thanks a lot, Captain.” McCoy fumed.

“It’s only one night. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?”

“I don’t like it in here. It’s too...” McCoy trailed off, looking around. “This place gives me the creeps. Besides, Christine’s been bugging me about it, too. You know how she is whenever our illustrious science officer is around.” He cocked his head toward Spock, grinning at the Vulcan’s obvious discomfort.

Kirk stiffened. “You’ll both have to learn to live with it. This isn’t a pleasure trip, Doctor. And if your nurse has a problem with it...”

“All right, all right. Don’t get so riled. It was only a joke. Spock understands, don’t you Spock?”

Spock gave him a cold look as an answer.

McCoy turned to his dinner, casting glances at both captain and first officer out of the corner of his eye. They had obviously patched up whatever was wrong between them. He'd give anything to know what the hell was going on, but chances were, he never would. He had never met two more private men than these two.

^^^^^

The planet was still, the lack of life creating a soundless world. Their footsteps on the stone paving were unnaturally loud as they made their way to the tent set up at the perimeter of the site. They could barely make out the dim light from the other tents situated a hundred yards to either side. If the security men made any sound, it was swallowed up by the emptiness. Spock had remained quiet through most of dinner and Kirk could sense Spock’s distraction.

“What’s the matter?” He looked over, eyeing the Vulcan who studiously watched his steps over the rocky ground, seeming to not hear Kirk. He reached over, grabbing Spock’s arm. “Spock?”

The Vulcan roused himself from his thoughts, his uncharacteristic inattention further disquieting. “I am sorry, Jim. I am still somewhat unsettled by our previous conversation.”

“Unsettled? Why? I thought we pretty much cleared the air, got things straightened out.”

“Yes, this is true. But I wish to meditate in order to completely assimilate our changing relationship. The change was very sudden. I had believed...”

“That I wanted out.” Kirk sighed. “I guess I can’t blame you. Go ahead. I’ll get things set up in the tent. How long do you think you’ll need?”

“Not more than an hour. There is a small outcropping of rocks near our tent. I will go there.” Spock kept his eyes down, avoiding Kirk’s gaze.

They reached their destination and Kirk turned to him before entering the tent. He took the Vulcan’s hand, not speaking until Spock looked at him. “I understand that this might be hard for you to deal with. I know I haven’t been exactly at my best.” He smiled, and then softly touched Spock’s face. “But I do love you, Spock.”

“I know that, t’hy’la. It is just...” He looked down and then stepped away, releasing Kirk. “I will return in a hour.” Turning, the Vulcan walked away.

Kirk watched him, fighting the confusion he felt as his bondmate departed. Surely, it meant nothing. After all, hadn’t they settled everything? He resolutely pushed down the depression threatening to overtake him. They were together. Nothing else could go wrong. He wouldn't let it. With that thought, he entered the tent, preparing to wait his bondmate’s return.

^^^^^

“Spock?” He woke suddenly, pulled from sleep. He looked around, uneasy. How long had he slept? The moon was full and high, so the tent was washed in a glow that lit up all but the shadows created by the equipment stored toward the back. He crawled out of the sleeping bag and peeked through the window-like opening. He could see his bondmate, still meditating about fifty feet away. He smiled, his sense of peace restored by the silent figure. Everything was still, the slight wind that intermittently kicked up the only break in the silence. He looked around, surveying the inside of the tent. It would have fit eight comfortably, and he felt a pang of guilt in making McCoy and Chapel stay inside. He returned to his bed, burrowing back down, asleep almost instantly.

 

Slowly, Spock brought himself back up through the layers of consciousness, finally opening his eyes as his body and mind reawakened to the world around him. A slight smile lit his face as he saw Kirk’s silhouette moving within the tent. He continued to kneel, accepting the peace that was his. The troubling changes that had startled him earlier had been recognized and dealt with. An all encompassing joy infused his soul as he contemplated this latest development. Why had I not known of this? Surely, it would be of concern to all the newly bonded. He sighed, coming up off his knees and dusting himself off. He had missed so much in his headlong flight from Vulcan at such an early age. Still, it could be something unique to his own physiology. He would probably never know.

He walked back to the tent, entering to find his bondmate already deeply asleep. Kirk’s body was turned toward the wall of the tent, the strong, muscled back uncovered. Spock silently undressed, methodically folding his and then Kirk’s clothes neatly, placing them on the table set to one side. He went through the medkit there and then slid in behind Kirk, pushing the covers down to expose the rest of the human’s body. His gaze swept over it, pleased with its beauty, the strength it exuded. He lay his hand lightly on the exposed hip, softly running his fingers over the cool flesh, then dropping down to cup the firm buttock, squeezing gently.

Still asleep, Kirk moaned softly, his legs parting as he brought one knee up. Spock slid a finger down the crack of his bondmate’s ass, and bending down, began to tenderly lick and suck at the rounded buttocks as his hand went over and clasped the human’s slowing filling cock.

Kirk’s eyes opened as he awoke to the sensations coursing through his body. He arched into the caress, turning on to his back as Spock came up to kneel between his wide spread thighs. “Hmm, that feels good.” He gazed at the shadowed figure, the Vulcan’s hand continuing the slow pumping of his cock.

Spock remained silent, running the fingers of his other hand over Kirk’s inner thighs, across his ass, each time pushing slightly at the entrance to his body.

To Kirk’s surprise, a tube of lubricant appeared and a well coated finger was gently insinuated into his rectum. “Oh god, yes. That’s so good, so good.” He pushed back on the invading digit, crying out in pleasure when a second was inserted and his prostate caressed.

“Jim. Look at me. Look how much I desire you, t’hy’la.” Removing his fingers from Kirk’s body, Spock rose slightly up, pushing Kirk’s legs up against his chest with his body, and settling his forearms on each side of the human’s face.

Kirk looked down. Nestled next to his, the Vulcan’s cock throbbed large and full, the double ridges flared out in arousal. “Spock, oh god, Spock.” He pulled the Vulcan down, his own arousal doubling at the joy and relief that washed over him.

Taking the Vulcan’s face in his hands, Kirk hesitantly brushed his lips against his bondmate’s. In all this time, they had never kissed, not really, and suddenly he wanted that more than anything. Moving his hands to cup the back of Spock’s head, he brought their mouths together, relishing the taste as his tongue invaded the hot wetness offered up to him. He was drowning in that heat, as Spock’s desire for him deepened the kiss, until they were devouring each other, spiraling together in deepening passion.

Moving his mouth away, Spock softly nibbled at the human’s neck. “I want you, Jim. I want to feel myself buried within you.” Spock whispered into Kirk’s ear, their bodies already pushing against each other.

“Anything, Spock. Anything you want.” He reached down between them, taking the Vulcan’s cock in his hand. He was shaking with desire, and the idea of having this shoved up inside of him was turning him to jelly. He guided it down, moaning as the tip slid along his crack, finally settling against his anus. “Now, do it now.”

Spock pushed slightly forward, stopping when Kirk hissed in pain. “I am hurting you.”

“No, it’s all right. It’s not that bad.” The sharp pain when the cock had breached his sphincter was fading, and he lifted his hips to encourage further penetration. “Go on, do it. Push it in.”

Slowly, he was penetrated, Spock stopping at every inch to give him time to adjust, pulling back and then pushing in a little further each time. The Vulcan's arms were trembling, reacting to the control he was exerting to keep himself from plunging full force into Kirk's body. Kirk moaned in pleasure, creating a fire within his bondmate that only he could quench, as he took Spock into himself, squeezing his cock in his slick wetness. Finally, fully sheathed, Spock knelt back up and began to move, shoving in harder, deeper, filling him over and over.

“Spock, oh, Spock.” Kirk continually whispered the Vulcan’s name, lost in the blaze the cock buried within him had kindled. The feel of it as it slid in and out, hitting his prostate with each deep push, the fullness as it packed his rectum, spreading him wide and opening him up was like nothing he had ever felt before.

Their bodies slammed together as Spock slowly picked up the pace of his thrusts, the slap of flesh on flesh as the Vulcan’s groin impacted on the upturned buttocks only fueling their passion. Bodies glistened as heat poured off them, the smell of sex pushing them higher. Spock looked down, inflamed as he watched his cock being taken into his bondmate’s body, at the look of dazed arousal on his bondmate’s face. He brought his hand over and settled it on Kirk’s face as he continued to impale himself on the human, their rhythm unbroken as their minds became one.

Again and again Spock buried himself within the moist haven until, with one final deep push, he shuddered into orgasm, his mind and body both satiated within his beloved bondmate.

Kirk brought his arms up and around Spock, and seconds later, the joining of their minds and the hot probe up his ass pushed him over the edge. As his rectum with filled with the hot Vulcan seed, his cock spasmed in release, ejaculating onto their bellies. “I love you.” He moaned as his anal muscles milked the last of Spock’s semen.

“As I love you.” Spock lay above his bondmate, holding his weight up as they held each other, both unwilling to move apart. When he felt Kirk’s legs begin to tremble, he pulled back, his cock sliding out as Kirk’s limbs were gently lowered. Lying down next to him, Spock pulled Kirk to him and nestled against his chest.

“I never dreamed it could feel this way.” Kirk gazed at the Vulcan, joy and wonder shining from the hazel eyes. “It was indescribable.”

Spock smiled and pushed the lock of hair from Kirk’s forehead. “I am pleased. I too, was unaware of the totality of feeling this act could provide.”

“What happened? I mean, I’m not complaining, but just yesterday...”

“I am not sure. Apparently, at least as far as my physiology is concerned, the changes wrought by the bonding did not all manifest themselves at once. The bond first strengthened my mental attraction to you, the physical only later. Earlier, when we discussed our situation, I felt a change coming over me. It was only through meditation that I was able to correctly identify its cause.”

“You were getting horny.”

“Colorfully put, but essentially correct. I felt desire for you. Physical desire.”

“Boy, did you ever. I take it this means our agreement about me seeing anyone on the side is null and void.”

Spock came up, laying over Kirk in a possessive embrace. “You are mine James Kirk. No one else will touch you...ever.”

Kirk grinned. “Fine by me. I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. You give me everything I need.”

A seductive smile played across Spock’s face. “Everything?”

“Yeah. Want me to prove it?”

And he did.

 

 

Finis


End file.
